1 — Man is the one a woman marries... He has two hands, two legs, two eyes, and sometimes two wives! He has one heart, and sometimes no heart at all!

2 — Men are like Turkish cigarettes: they are all made of one substance, but each kind differs from the other. Some cigarettes are "thick" and some are "thin," and to a woman some men are a "habit" and some a "pleasure"!... And women consider love a kind of smoking.

There is she who, when she smokes a "man," feels her nerves at ease; and there is she who, when she smokes "the man," feels that he wearies her chest!

But woman is weak of will... She decides to give up "loving the man" after a long while has passed, when she begins to feel fatigue, as the smoker feels fatigue in his chest from his long addiction to smoking... And she swears that this "man" shall be the last man she loves... just as the smoker swears that this shall be the last cigarette he smokes... yet despite his oath he goes on smoking!

3 — Men can be divided into three classes: bachelors, husbands, and widowers... The bachelor is the one who wants to marry; the husband is the one who wants to be a widower... and the widower is the one who wants to become a bachelor so as to marry!

And husbands come in kinds: a kind a woman accepts as she accepts a gift; a kind she receives as she receives condolences!; a kind she meets as she meets a surprise; and a kind that descends upon her as a calamity descends! And some women marry men in accidents of fate and destiny... like the collision of a tram or an automobile — and very often the passen-gers escape... and in accidents of this sort the woman always escapes and walks away on her own two feet!

4 — The art of turning a man into a husband is one of the most delicate and difficult of arts... For man is a piece of dough, and woman's task is to turn it into a statue... This art demands abundant knowledge, a clear mind, ample hope, and great confidence — and more important than all that, it demands tenderness and affection!... And how many a woman has excelled at "making" the statue — and when it spoke, it cursed her! And when it moved, it killed her... or fled from between her hands...

5 — It is one of the wonders of things that a soft, tender, beautiful creature should feel happiness when she kisses a rough, harsh, ugly creature like man! This may be the instinct of the love of opposites! And there is no better proof of it than that the intelligent woman marries none but a stupid man!... And that is

A playwright came to the stage director George Kaufman and said to him: "Here is a play that needs no scene changes. In the first scene I stand at the left of the stage, and the audience must imagine that I am eating in a restaurant. In the second scene I move to the right, and the audience must imagine that I am in my private room." Kaufman answered him: "And on the second night, you will have to imagine that there is an audience."

• A patient came to a doctor's office and complained to him that he could not sleep at night, so the doctor prescribed that he eat something before going to sleep. The patient answered: "But I came to you two months ago and you told me not to eat anything before sleeping." The doctor thought a little, then answered: "That was two months ago; medicine has advanced a great deal in that interval."

• Judge Landis sentenced an accused man to five years' imprisonment. The accused said: "But I shall die long before that; I am a sick man and cannot be imprisoned five years."

The judge answered: "At least you can try."

• A tourist was touring a rural region in the north of America when he found a man smoking a pipe in the shade of a tree while his wife hoed the ground. The tourist said to the man: "Isn't this work hard on your wife?" The man answered: "No! We work here by turns." — "You mean that when she gets tired, you do the hoeing?" — "No; when she gets tired of working the land, she moves on to working in the house."

• When aviation was still new and people were afraid to travel by airplane, one of the air companies wanted to encourage travelers, so it allowed businessmen to bring their wives along free of charge, to prove to them that flying was not dangerous. The company kept a register of the names of the businessmen who accepted this offer. After a time the company wrote to poll these ladies on their opinion of that air journey, and the answer of 95 percent of them was: "What air journey?"

• A lady passed by an artist who was painting with his left hand. She watched him a little, then asked him in astonishment: "Do you always paint with the left?" He answered: "No; it just happens that today I am holding my hat in my right hand."