The New Arab Home: The Duties of Receiving and Visiting

The inclination in people toward exchanging visits and invitations arose in answer to a natural instinct in them: sociability, the desire for companionship, and the love of appearance and renown. Happy is the home whose mistress is able to establish social relations, with tact and taste, with all those to whom the ties of kinship, friendship, and interest bind her.

There is no doubt that such relations, and the keeping up of them, are no easy thing to achieve in an age in which mingling among people has become general and relations have multiplied through the ease of communications and the shortness of distances. After our visits were once confined to the nearest of kin and neighbors — we would go to them on foot, without ceremony or formality — we have today come to keep a running account for this department, with its many expenses: we go out visiting before noon and receive after it; we invite to tea in the late afternoon and are invited to dinner in the evening; we hold a gathering of good cheer between the late afternoon and dinner-time, and attend an evening party after that.

Since this state of things goes on increasing as relations among people increase; since we shall be compelled to keep pace with it, whether from interest or from personal inclination; and since, when society sanctions a thing as custom and convention, and the advanced majority follows it, there is no escape for us — the backward minority — from following it and taking it as our model, lest we remain exposed to the criticism of those who stand above us in the world of civilization.

Good manners and the arts of company show themselves most plainly in the course of a visit — and no wonder, for the art of visiting is among the most refined of the arts of social propriety, and the most intricate of them, since its practice is no longer confined to family and friends but has extended to invitations to official banquets, social receptions, and evening parties, each of which has its rules and usages, ignorance of which is counted in this age an unpardonable crime by the scholars of "etiquette." In the measure of a lady's familiarity with these rules, and the regulations laid down for them, will be people's respect for her.

The refined lady who visits and is visited must acquire a small book, as a memorandum, in which she records the name of every visitor, man or woman, the date of his visit to her, and the hour of the visit; and she must likewise keep a notebook in which she sets down the appointments by which she is bound, her friends' receiving hours, the public meetings, and the invitations that come to her, so that she may fulfill them all at their appointed times.

She must also acquire the visiting card known as the "carte de visite," on which the name is printed in clear letters, free of titles and ornament. The newest cards today for ladies are larger in size than a man's cards. A lady should leave her card with another lady of her own class when she wishes to form a friendly connection with her. But if she leaves it without calling on her in person, this means that she does not wish to knit the bonds of friendship, but rather intended by her act to inquire after her health, or to thank her for a service rendered.

Cards are left by a traveler upon his return to his place of residence, or upon his visit to one of the large cities where news of his coming can hardly reach his friends. In the small villages there is no need of this, for the news spreads easily and everyone comes to pay the duty of greeting her or him. And it is better that the visitors leave their cards, so that the newly arrived lady or gentleman may rest after the journey and prepare to receive guests and friends.

As for "introductions," the matter is well-nigh the dangerous, delicate point in the art of "etiquette." Each of us needs careful training and a special skill in the manner of becoming acquainted with people, or of introducing one person to another. There are political, social, and personal considerations whose hidden aspects each of us must grasp, within the circle in which we live, before venturing to hold a gathering in our own homes or to accept an invitation to another's house. It is quite possible that one individual may not care to make the acquaintance of another; the lady must therefore feel out the various wishes in an unnoticed way, before becoming entangled in a matter that would lay her open to the charge of poor judgment and want of taste... Frankness in ascertaining the position of both parties, before accepting an invitation or sending one to others, is far safer in its outcome than entanglement and falling into errors of this kind.

If we wish to make an introduction between two ladies, the lady of lesser standing must be presented to the lady above her in class, and the unmarried lady to the married one — unless the latter is of lower standing than the former, in which case the rule is reversed.

If there is a marked difference in age, the younger of the two is presented to the elder. And if the introduction is between a man and a lady, the man is presented to the lady without exception — unless the man belongs to a royal house or to the class of the nobility, in which case the lady is presented.

And you, my sister, when you introduce someone, must present him with courtesy and tact, saying, for example: "Will you allow me to present Mrs. or Mr. So-and-so?" Then you turn to the man and pronounce clearly, gently, and respectfully the name of the lady or gentleman to whom you have presented him. Thereupon the two who have been introduced should bow slightly; but it is not necessary that they shake hands, especially at public gatherings, or at crowded receptions and banquets — a slight bow forward, blended with something of respect, is to be preferred.

If the introduction is between a lady and a man, and the lady is seated in her place, she should not rise. The one exception to this rule is the mistress of the house: it is her duty to rise for all her guests when they are presented to her, and in this case the lady must shake hands with her guests of both sexes.

I lately came upon a full program for the art of visiting in the Egyptian encyclopedia of home instruction, and I wished to pass it on to you word for word, for the very necessary benefits it contains for us. Here it is, as follows:

— Do not shake hands with everyone when you enter the reception room; be content to shake hands with the mistress and the master of the house, and to incline your head to the rest of those present.

— Do not extend your hand to shake any lady's hand unless she extends hers to you first... Likewise, do not step forward to shake the hand of one older than you in years or in standing unless he extends his hand to you first.

— Do not hesitate to rise whenever a lady enters the room; do not sit with one leg crossed over the other, and do not imitate those who do so, for there is nothing of gracefulness in it.

— Do not talk in a loud voice, do not monopolize the conversation, and do not whisper to the lady or gentleman beside you; if you wish to speak with him on a private matter, keep that talk for another occasion.

— Do not talk about yourself and your doings; if you wish to be loved, talk to people of what interests them in the first place.

— Do not be witty at others' expense, or mock any of those present, or make him or her the butt of jokes.

— Do not enter into discussion of religion or politics, for such discussions lead inevitably to dispute, discord, and ill feeling.

— Do not interrupt anyone or run ahead of him in talk, or contradict him in what he says; and do not argue with heat and anger.

— Do not cause weariness by telling a long story or a talk without end. Be brief in the telling of your stories and anecdotes, and do not talk on subjects that interest none of those present.

— Do not show weariness, boredom, or restlessness while another is speaking.

— Do not read during your visits to people; if you have wearied of the gathering, ask leave and withdraw; and do not look at your watch every other moment.

In closing, I hope it will not slip your mind, daughter of my country, that there are other rules of conduct which cover banquets and official receptions, the various invitations, and the kind of conversation desirable on such occasions and in the reception salons — things we cannot do without knowing, we who dwell in our new Arab home. Perhaps I shall be able to speak to you of them on another occasion.