as she strives to cling to it—and that is the tragedy. She must at all events be kept occupied and accustomed to the new situation. A new work and a new role must be found for her. If she is not a widow, and the father-in-law is alive, he must here appear on the stage. The young couple must ally themselves with the father-in-law to make him understand that it is for him to give his wife's life a new meaning.
The daughter-in-law must show psychological skill. The problem of daughter-in-law and mother-in-law often takes the form of a conflict between two generations. The weapon employed is "the hint." It is never a reckoning to one's face, but a jab into the air: "In my day, sheets used to last longer!" The dueling must not be allowed to drag on in this field. The daughter-in-law must not regard the woman standing before her as an old crone, but must take her as a friend: a woman, and above all a mother, keeps the age of her engagement, and it is necessary for the daughter-in-law to return, from time to time, to what people admired twenty or thirty years ago. She should read the books they used to read, think of the actors famous in her time, of the plays known then, and of the songs current in that age. Nothing disarms a mother-in-law like being asked whether she heard such-and-such a singer in her day, and how greatly she admired him, for example.
If you are the daughter-in-law, think as though you were a mother-in-law—of that woman walking toward old age, who does not know how to defend herself against that bodily envy. Do not try to spread out your marital happiness before her. Show yourself as the best friend of her son. And repeat in her hearing a part of what you owe her: her son.
Credit to her the qualities you admire in your young husband. But, as with the son-in-law, hold always to absolute independence. You will be the stronger if you were less familiar with her during the period of the engagement.
Finally, try to manage matters, and leave no room for your husband to present his mother with a silken head-covering on the very day he gives you a coat of costly fur. And remember that you will become a mother-in-law yourself one day...
If You Are the Mother-in-Law:
This is the most wearying role to play. And you have every excuse. But there is no excuse sufficient to let you fail in managing your child's affairs.
The first rule: do not try to bring back the past. Your will would not be in the right. Your child no longer belongs to her to whom he once belonged; so let things go
as they are, even if his present state is a wretched one. For were you to interfere, his wretchedness would be doubled: the pain would go on, and in addition he would be ashamed of his pain.
Look at this problem from its true face: and be assured that you must pass through it. There is nothing strange in that. Your mother passed through it, and your daughter will pass through it likewise. It is a terrible moment, but you must bear it.
When your last son marries, whether you like it or not, your role as a mother is finished, and you must learn anew, and live a new life with a new center around which all things turn. Make haste, and change your surroundings. As a French doctor once said: it is the mother-in-law who ought to go on the honeymoon trip, not the bride and groom. For it is you, after all, who will be beginning a new life...
