long repression — and I feel pity for them, and for myself.

O God, in retreat there is a weakness I will not accept; so take my hand, that I may set out on the path I have chosen, even if it costs me what remains of my nerves.

April 4 –

This is Holy Week — a week of fasting and prayer, of withdrawal from the world, of unbroken worship, deep meditation, and full understanding of the message of redemption. I kneel for long hours and never raise my eyes but they meet a statue of the Crucified hanging upon the wood of redemption; and I gaze at it long in meditation and thought, and then, without knowing it, I fall to comparing the Crucified and myself. He accepted death to save us all, and I accepted the monastic life to save my soul alone — what merit, then, is mine...?

Sacrifice is the element of redemption and the essence of generosity — how then shall I give my soul rest without toil? Let my soul burn, then, in the fire of sacrifice, so long as its smoke lifts me up to the wide spaces and the heights.

April 11 –

Only now have I felt peace welling up in my depths, and only now has victory over the wildness of human nature been granted me. Holy Week was truly the turning point in my life. Here is the image of the Crucified, meeting my eyes forever with its majesty, its loftiness, its self-giving for the sake of the highest ideals;

and here is His gracious face, appearing to me encouraging,

tender, and gentle. So I fold my heart around the nobility of my purpose and the generosity of the goal I have chosen for myself, and I look upon my present state

with an eye that almost sees rays of light glittering among the folds of the black habit.

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