The Sweetest Jokes — Selections

... These are selections from the book The Sweetest Jokes, published in March, by Mrs. Kawthar Kurdi Jadayel.

Watchman Wanted

The man who applied for the post of night watchman at a certain company was thin of body, weak of build, and short of stature. No sooner did the company director see him than he shook his head regretfully and said:
— The person we want for this position must be huge of frame and strong of build; he must sleep with one eye and keep the other open; his nose must hear sounds; and he must suspect every person who passes by him... We want a man in a thousand, who becomes like a wild beast when he is roused and like a savage dog when he is angry..
At this the man nodded and said:
— Now I understand... I shall send you my wife, sir!

Manners

The visitor: How are you, clever boy?
The boy: (does not answer)
The mother: Say "God keep you," you donkey!

The Cemetery Thief

The judge: How did you come to steal this automobile, you thief?
The thief: I saw it in front of the cemetery gate, so I thought its owner had died and left it there, and I took it before someone else could!

He Told the Truth This Time

The teacher came into the classroom and saw written on the blackboard: "Our teacher is a donkey." Thereupon he said to the pupils:
— Who wrote this sentence?
A pupil answered him:
— I did, sir!...
Said the teacher:
— This time, since you spoke straight out, you're forgiven.

My Mother-in-Law

The hypnotist was showing his tricks to the audience, and he said:
— Let one of the ladies come up onto the stage and sit in this chair, and I shall make her vanish at once... Scarcely had he finished speaking when one of the spectators cried out:
— Please wait a moment while I fetch my mother-in-law from the house...

A Fan

A miserly merchant went to the doctor complaining of a pain, and the doctor prescribed a change of air. So the merchant went and bought an electric fan...

The Alarm Clock Is Bigger

The father: Well, my boy, what is bigger than the second?
The son: The minute, father..
The father: And what is bigger than the minute?
The son: The hour.
The father: And what is bigger than the hour?
The son: The alarm clock, father...

Different Reasons

The soldier: What made you volunteer?
His comrade: Because I have a wife, and I love a fight.. And you, what made you volunteer?
The soldier: Because I have a wife, and I love peace.

A Millionaire's Daughter

Rothschild, the famous rich man, once rode in a hantour—"a simple carriage"—and when he reached the place he was bound for, he gave the driver a single shilling as his fare. The driver was astonished and said to Rothschild the millionaire: Your daughter gives me two shillings for this very same distance! Rothschild answered: My daughter is a millionaire's daughter; as for me, my father is no millionaire.

Eyeglasses...

The child: Why do you wear those eyeglasses, Mama!
The mother: So that I may see small things big.
The child: Please don't wear them when you give me my share of the sweets.

He Has a Point

The post-office clerk: I should like to know why you refuse to pay more than half the radio tax?
The radio owner: Because I only listen with one ear.

He Didn't Die

The drunkard: And when you fell from the fifth floor as a child, you didn't die?
His companion: Honestly, I can't recall... I was little at the time...

A Tragedy

New York is known as the city of skyscrapers. Two tourists arrived there and took a room on the fifty-eighth floor of one of the hotels..
One night they got back to the hotel late and found the elevator out of order, so they had to climb the stairs on foot. When they reached the fortieth floor, fatigue had gotten the better of them, and one of them suggested to the other that he tell a story to divert them.
Said the first: I shall tell you a little tragedy. We forgot to take the key of our room from the doorman on the first floor...

He Has a Point

The teacher: Tell me what you know about Cleopatra.
The pupil: Honestly, sir, I don't like to talk about ladies.