When Should a Lady Rise in Greeting!?... (On Etiquette)

On Etiquette

While I was visiting some friends on their at-home day, two young ladies entered the salon during our hostess's absence, so we stood to greet them and invited them to sit. They had barely been there a moment when the mistress of the house came in; one of them stood to greet her, while the other remained seated. A wave of astonishment passed over the faces of those present. The girl who had kept her seat noticed that it was directed at her, and said to her companion in a low voice, trying to justify her position: “Why did you stand up when the lady came in? Don't you know that in today's civilized world a woman does not stand to greet others? You should have greeted her while sitting in your place.”

Her companion, overcome with embarrassment, answered: “But this lady is our friend's mother and the mistress of the house!” The “civilized” companion, however, was not convinced by this feeble logic, and shook her head like one whose patience was worn thin.

This simple scene caught my attention and pained me greatly, because I was sure the girl merely wanted to show herself off as refined, while the other girl felt that the rule did not apply in such a circumstance. So I wanted to sound out the opinion of the others on such behavior, to see how ready our countrymen are to accept a custom of this kind. Before I could utter a word, one of the young men present surprised me by saying: “Which of the two girls behaved properly, in your view — according, of course, to the rules of social etiquette?” I answered: “What do you think, as a young man of her own generation?”

He replied: “I prefer that the girl rise in such a circumstance.” The company awoke to the importance of the subject, and a lengthy discussion of this social problem followed, in which we took up most of the cases in which a woman must rise. Various groups took part in giving their opinions — conservative and progressive, representing both sexes — and it was an enjoyable discussion, whose chief points I should like to lay before the readers of The Woman's Voice.

We all agreed that there is no general rule on which a woman can rely in every situation; but there are certain rules that she is bound to observe, for the sake of propriety and out of regard for the feelings of others.

In our society today two customs walk side by side, and they often collide and cause confusion in behavior: the old custom, still deeply rooted in woman's soul, of always standing at a greeting; and the new custom, which is for the woman to keep her seat. The first is not to be criticized under any circumstances, for it is the expression of a feeling of esteem and respect for the person presented to her; whereas the second custom is the one that creates trouble and misunderstanding, because many of our countrymen consider remaining seated a lack of respect toward their person, and so refrain from returning the greeting, and the atmosphere grows charged.

Faced with this situation, a woman finds herself perplexed: she inclines to stand, because she is used to it and considers it good manners to pay the duty of respect toward other people; but she fears that people will think her backward and reactionary in her thinking.

And since a woman, like everyone else, must take circumstances into account and be mindful of the feelings of others, if she finds herself in doubt it is better for her to rise — for rising hurts no one, while failing to rise may wound others' feelings.

Here, madam, are some circumstances, agreed upon morally and socially, in which you must rise without any hesitation:

First: you must stand whenever the national anthem is played, whether it is the anthem of your own country or that of those in whose company you are.

Second: rise when you greet the mistress or the master of the house whose hospitality you are enjoying.

Third: rise whenever you receive, and whenever you bid farewell to, one of your guests.

Fourth: whenever you are introduced to a great personage, such as a head of state or a religious leader, you must rise to shake his hand.

Fifth: you must rise from your place whenever your superior at work approaches to speak to you on any matter whatever.

Sixth: a young woman should stand to greet every woman older than herself, and it is also commendable that she rise to greet a man who is her senior in years.

Seventh: rise whenever you find that your rising carries a meaning of respect, or in circumstances that call for respect.

I am certain, my dear madam, that these rules are agreed upon in most societies, Eastern and Western alike. If you take them as the measure of your conduct, you will have fulfilled your social duty in this regard; you will incur no blame, and this side of your behavior will not be open to criticism.