how does this happen to me.. I, the experienced young man who has known life and tested its places of strength and of weakness?

How does this little girl enter my life and turn it upside down? I am afraid of myself, afraid of her, for I love her to madness, and she—this child of fifteen springs—grasps no meaning in my love, nor do I see in her eyes any trace of understanding. She looks at me, while I hint to her of my love, with two eyes full of innocent expression; and when I tell her how beautiful she is, trying to draw her attention to my love, she thinks I am mocking her, so she flares up and strikes me with both her small hands, and then her lips part in a foolish smile that makes my passion blaze all the more.. And I find this outburst sweet, so I provoke her anger on purpose, to see her face dyed the color of blood, and her eyes looking at me in protest against my supposed mockery.

A month ago it occurred to me to call her over and to speak with her in a serious tone. And when I had thought long to myself, I knew that this was impossible, since this child will not understand what I would say to her, and perhaps she would weep from the surprise, or laugh until she fainted.. and in either case I would not know what my position would be!!

I know many girls of fifteen, but they all understand these things, and speak of them with desire and longing; as for her, not a trace of expression appears on her face when I speak to her about this.

I wonder—if I spoke to her now, would she understand me? Or would she look at me open-mouthed, and then that same foolish smile would draw itself on her lips, and she would go back to striking me again with both her hands? I am bewildered and troubled... I shall speak to her tomorrow whatever it costs me and whatever the consequences.

August 6

When we went to the sea today, her mother and my mother busied themselves with some silly conversation as they always do, and I asked her

I pretended to be tired and threw myself down on the ground... And she came toward me quickly, astonished: — What is the matter with you? Why don't we finish the race? — I am tired, run by yourself. — And with whom shall I race, with my shadow? Ugh! Why, for heaven's sake! Get up. — I told you I cannot now, I am tired; come and sit a little. — On condition that you do not try to rile me and mock me. — I shall not mock, I promise you that.

And when she sat down I did not know how to begin the talk. Should I tell her outright? Or should I ask her whether she herself is in love? I feared that if I did, the surprise would seize her and she would leave me and walk away.

And it occurred to me to speak to her about next year; I told her that I would be going to Europe to obtain my doctorate. She told me that she wished she could go to Europe now! — Why now? — No, I do not mean that; I mean that I wish to go to Europe at any time, and I wish it might be soon. And my devil came back to me, so I did not keep my promise, and I said to her: — Before you go you must cut off your braids, so that you will not look ten years old to whoever sees you.

And she looked at me furiously, then struck me with her hands upon my shoulder, so I pulled her braids and looked into her face—ah, if only she had understood that look. But she did not understand it.. she slipped away from me and went back to her mother, and I went back behind her... and I told her nothing.

She is ignorant, foolish, and very young, there is no doubt of that; but what is likewise beyond doubt is that I am a fool—for how do I let the chance pass me by without speaking to her, how do I let her escape from me without telling her what I want?

I shall be patient until tomorrow, or for other days, until I meet with her and speak to her.

August 7

Today I was looking through the photograph "album" that belongs to my sister, and I found in it pictures from the schooldays, when my sister was at the end of