happiness is all his happiness. Mother sees the rising of the sun in your face; without you she knows no gladness or delight in life... Dalal worships you, and the letters of your name never leave her lips... Rajaa follows you from place to place like your shadow, singing when you are there and scowling when you are away... Are you listening to what I say?" He hid his eyes with his hands and cried out in a wounded voice:

"Why do you torture me so? Everything has changed now... Ever since you told me the truth, I keep picturing you all gathering around that cast-off child, show-ing him the compassion you show every deprived creature; and he gives you his heart and his love, and you give him your hearts and your love, day after day and year after year... You pitied first, and then you loved — and so I became one of you. I was not one of you from the beginning, to be loved as a father and mother love the child before it is even born... And my mother, who laid me down at the trunk of the tree — where is she today? And why did she cast me into the unknown with that dreadful cruelty? So now — my father was my father in the eyes

of nature, and not in the eyes of God?! Let me go; I shall never be what I was. I shall remain in a hell of stubborn questioning, from which neither Heaven nor you can save me with an answer..." I could not answer, so I threw myself upon him, and we wept together; and at last I was able to say: "You will not go. You are too merciful to sentence us to a long, everlasting grief."

May 16

The day after tomorrow the steamer sails... The day after tomorrow we fall silent, with the silence of the grieving and bereft. I nearly go mad as I watch him walk about like a dream, his senses dulled, his glances bewil-dered... How I long to shake him and shout in his face: "Don't you see what you are doing to yourself and to us? You will become a lost soul and we will become criminals — and woe to you and to us from that torment"... Poor Mayy! She was alone with him for two hours yesterday... I do not know what she said to him; he came out after-ward in silence, and she remained alone, staring into emptiness...

May 17.

My God! How merciful You are! My God, how generous You are!

He will not go! He will not be lost... and he will not cross the border...

We gathered around him this evening, our heads bowed, bewil-dered, unable to speak, and he sat silent, his brow knitted, looking at Mother... Then he sprang up suddenly and knelt before Father, crying:

"Father, here is the ticket. Tear it up and throw it far away, for I am not going. I will stay with you..."

A feast day that hour was! A holy, matchless feast! We wept for joy, and he began to sob like a child... Then our eyes met, and we smiled! How precious it is, my brother — that sweet smile of yours. How precious your love, and how dear you are to my heart... my poor, rejoicing heart, which committed a crime and will atone for its crime with its love for you all life long.