And I drove off... I drove the car like a madman, to put miles and miles between me and my son... and so as not to do something still more foolish... All I wanted was to walk into a tavern and drink and drink to the dregs, and forget that in the world there was a girl named Jean and another named Stella and a miserable scoundrel named Jud, and... And I went in and drank...

Eight days passed, and I did not know how many they were... I woke among rows of beds... and a man in a white coat saying: Drink this... I asked where I was — I was in the hospital.

All that is past now... Today Stella and I live on a single hope: to adopt a child... It may never come about... we may wait a long time... but we no longer live under one roof as strangers, because one hope stirs in us both. And when the hunger for a child takes hold of me... I do not say to my wife, for instance, I am going to the children's playground. No... I tell her I am going out to buy a bottle of wine for the house... and I go out, and my feet carry me to the children's playground, where I watch them play... or I go to my sister Mary's and stretch out on the floor so her two children can ride on my back, shouting Get up, my horse!... or I pick up a few children off the road in my car, and we go and buy the bottle of wine and eat cakes and sweets, and then I come back with them like a king... And Stella understands — all but the one thing she will never know: that I have a child growing

up whom I cannot watch over.

My son will grow up; if only I could say one word to him... Do not rush things, my boy... but if you do rush them, then stand up to your

responsibility like a man.

I behaved like a coward; but believe me, it is not always the woman who pays the price... the man pays too.

(From the English)

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