Woman and the Problem of Marriage

Marriage has its problems for both sexes; but since woman is still the weaker sex, the problems arising from marriage are more complicated for her than for man, especially in the circumstances of her present development. Tradition makes her role in it passive, not active, forbidding her to ask for the hand of the one she wants while permitting him to do so. And circumstances make marriage a thing more desired by her than by him — because of the quickness of her physiological maturing, or her need of protection, or of someone to support her, or of greater social freedom.

We notice that in the small villages and the poor, backward circles marriage is an easy matter that poses no problem: because of the low standard of living in these circles; because of the man's need of early marriage, to gain a wife and children who will share with him the work of house and field; and because of the absence of amusements, mental occupations, and the like, which give the young men of the cities tempting outlets for their energy and turn them away from marriage, if only for a time. Marriage is a simple thing where life is simple and natural; but it grows complicated and becomes a problem where life is complicated — above all in the circles of the cities and in the middle and aristocratic classes — and this because of:

1 - The high standard of living. The girl of this class is generally used to comfort, needs servants, and cannot undertake work outside the house unless she has a profession. The young man therefore sets before his eyes the difficulty of meeting the expenses of marriage and family, and sees in it a dangerous venture.

2 - And this creates the problem of the dowry. The young man who takes upon himself all the expenses of the house refuses to marry without a dowry, unless he possesses a large fortune. And greed may drag even the rich man into chasing after the dowry, on the principle of the proverb: more of a good thing is a good thing.

3 - The scantiness of the opportunities for the mixing of the sexes. And we notice that the pressure upon woman in the simple, natural circles is far less than in the cultivated circles of deep-rooted traditions, where the attitude toward her swings between an excess of pressure and an excess of liberty.

4 - The dominance of economic fear over the soul of the employee, where there are no social guarantees to secure his future. He lives in fear of dismissal, or unemployment, or disability and sickness. He is in constant dread for his own future — how much more, then, if he becomes the head of a family? He fears the piling up of responsibilities and puts off his marriage until he has become a man of fortune; and then he marries one who is ten or twenty years his junior, and leaves the women of his own generation to their fate.

5 - The dominance of family traditions over the young man. For the lack of social guarantees makes helpless parents a burden upon their sons, and these are compelled to put off their marriage until the sisters are married, or because they must support the parents.

6 - The interference of the family in the affairs of marriage. This may be a factor in promoting it, when they take upon themselves the business of "settling the children's future" where tradition prevents the children from doing so. But very often they stand as a barrier in the way of marriage, when they wish to impose their views upon the young man or the girl, and oppose his marriage or hers because the other party is not of their class or of their sect, or because his people are among their adversaries, or because he is poor, or because this marriage is not in their interest.

7 - The absurdity of the traditions of weddings, which impose upon the bridal pair and the families crushing expenses — the buying of jewels, trousseaux, clothes, and sumptuous furniture, and the giving of banquets and parties. The sad thing is that the majority among us are still enslaved to these traditions, so much so that some do not scruple to borrow money for the purchase of jewels and the giving of parties, in order to appear before people in other than their true guise.

8 - The barriers of the social classes, which prevent the people of the working class from intermarrying with the people of the aristocratic class, and the middle class with either of the two classes referred to.

9 - The arrogance of the young man and his selfishness, as a result of the favoritism he meets with and the forms of mastery he enjoys in family and society; so that he becomes self-important, holding himself above the girls around him.

10 - The unbendingness of the girl who has gained a measure of culture, or a share of economic independence, or a social position. Every girl belonging to one of these three kinds finds difficulty in finding the fitting husband; for personal pride — quite apart from social tradition — does not permit her to be joined to one beneath her in culture or in social position. And if she has a work or a profession that allows her economic independence, she prefers the solitary life to descending from her social or cultural level by living with a man she does not respect or esteem. And the thing that arrests attention here is that the girl of this kind is far more reluctant and unbending than the cultivated young man; that is, he does not hesitate to marry one who falls below him in culture, and may even prefer her to another. And I do not know whether this difference exists because social tradition binds the girl more than it binds the young man, or because the girl is more idealistic and holds less to the practical ways of life.

We have gone through the details of the obstacles that stand in the way of marriage and make of it a problem in the circles where the standard of living has risen to some degree and where traditions hold sway. It is clear from this list that the obstacles are of two kinds: first, economic; second, social and traditional. To combat them, the causes must be treated by means partly economic and partly educational, as follows:

1 - Establishing social guarantees in such a way as to remove economic fear from the young man's soul, and to prevent his working father from becoming a burden upon him in case of disability or old age.

2 - Improving the condition of the workers and employees of the middle class and of the cultivated, whose wages are small and whose standard of living is high, by raising their wages and opening before them the doors of advancement and promotion.

3 - Multiplying the openings for work and production, to combat poverty and ward off unemployment.

4 - Teaching her household economy, which will show her how to lighten the expenses of the house and to economize time, energy, and money without any lowering of the standard of living.

5 - Educating girl and young man alike in the affairs of married life — and this is very important in the program of educational reform. This education includes the study of the problems of choosing a spouse, of family relations, and of the management of house and children.

Among its aims would be the combating of the traditions of the ancients on this subject and the fighting of harmful customs, such as extravagance in weddings, the methods of bargaining in marriage, the chase after the dowry, reliance upon the parents in the choosing of bride or bridegroom, and so forth.

6 - Combating the social barriers between the classes, by the spreading of culture and of the means of contact. And it is to be noticed that these barriers are gradually disappearing with the spread of culture and the retreat of tradition; for the cultivated workman is not below the employee in his social level. Culture, likewise, is apt to remove the sectarian barriers.

7 - Setting right the relations among the members of the family, so that they rest upon independence, not exploitation; so that there does not reign among them that spirit of dependence which ties the children to their parents, or makes the father a dependent upon his children or a master over them; and so that no monopolizing bonds arise among them, profiting the one at the expense of the other.

The truth is that our social development lags far behind our cultural development. It is not strange that we find cultivated young women and young men submitting to the will of their families in the questions of marriage, as though the matter concerned the whole family and not the young man and the girl alone; just as we find reactionary parents disposing of the affairs of children who surpass them in culture, as though culture were a thing separate from life.

All this shows us the importance of social education in the schools, the clubs, and elsewhere; the necessity of preparing the means of mental growth for the earlier generation; and the spreading of the idea that life is a continuous growth — so that we may urge the middle-aged and those advanced in years to keep up their reading and their self-cultivation, in the hope that they may understand that their children were born to a generation other than theirs, and may try to reach an understanding with the rising generation, and so not expose themselves to that collision of ideas and contradiction of inclinations which we see before us.

To conclude: our women's renaissance shows itself in woman's steadily growing pursuit of learning and of work, out of the desire to complete her personality and to realize her economic independence; and it shows itself also in her increasing contact with society, her mixing with the other sex, and her gradual liberation from the authority of tradition. But this renaissance still lacks an organization and a direction to be undertaken by the women themselves, and an encouragement to be undertaken by the governments — in spreading general and professional education for women, in treating their social problems by doing them justice in the field of legislation, and in striving for the reform of education by giving its social side its due share of attention.

Yet the development she has attained, thanks to favorable circumstances, invites us to be optimistic about her future; for having begun on the pattern of the women's renaissance in the West, she will continue her march along this road until her growth is complete, God willing.