Bernard Shaw Creates a New Human Being?

Israel Zangwill said, "Bernard Shaw's faith in himself knows no bounds." Here is a summary of a press interview with Bernard Shaw about... his creature... the new human being:

The newspapers bring us word from the scientists of some new invention or some novel improvement to one thing or another; but the scientists are as incapable of inventing a human being as they are of improving the present one — and therefore I am creating a new human being.

The feet are the ugliest of the limbs, and so we shall make them in the form of two bicycle wheels, to ease travel in any direction. As for these two knees, they disfigure the beauty of the leg; and though they were formerly necessary so that Romeo might kneel upon them before Juliet, experiment has proved today that the automobile seat is more effective in conveying lovers from the paradise of the angels to the hell of the devils — and even the automobile seat has lost its value and joined the ranks of ancient monuments, like the Tower of London and the pyramids of Egypt, because license has spread over the whole world.

And this accursed stomach, which takes in great quantities of wine, must certainly be remodeled — and I have entrusted the remodeling to a skillful draftsman. Though it was originally created to be a pouch for whatever food and drink a man gulps down, and to be used in particular for holding up the trousers, it is observed that it shrinks in one of the two phases of breathing — the exhaling phase — so that the trousers sag a little; and that is enough to color the face crimson with shame. This could be avoided if we lengthened the rib cage so that it took in the belly; then the trousers would stay up with no need of belt or braces.

These two arms waste strength and substance in their silly movements; we shall lengthen them until they touch the ground, so that the backs of the collectors of cigarette butts and the shoeblacks need bend no more.

As for the neck, we shall increase its usefulness by making it turn upon itself in any direction. If a man sees a bewitching woman, for instance, he can follow her with his eyes until she disappears from his sight; and if his wife happens upon him in the street while he is in that state, he can ward off the danger she poses to him.

As for the teeth, they cost a man dearly as he advances in years, just as the expense of sharpening his daughters' teeth in readiness for their marriage wears him down; it may be best to do away with teeth altogether — but then how is the creature to eat? That is a problem it will take up at its leisure.

As for the head, it is perhaps the one place unfit for growing hair successfully. Now the theory of doubling agricultural output by rotating the crops has proved a success, and this theory can easily be applied to the head: we shall plant it with hair in winter, and in spring we shall plant it with cabbage, for cabbage strengthens the soil, does well on the heights, and requires no exceptional care.

Bernard Shaw concluded his interview by saying that he would have liked to lay bare all the errors of nature, but his time ran short because of his many occupations; and so he leaves it to the sons of men to study one another... in good conscience and good faith.