"Etiquette" Among the Arabs

Whoever looks into the history of the Arabs cannot help asking about the social life of the individual, which formed the life of the Arab nation and strung upon its thread the customs and traditions of the Arabs. For the individual, in whatever society, has his part in generating the driving force, both material and moral.

I broach this subject feeling pain and jealous concern at the ignorance we have come to — an ignorance that has run rampant and blinded us to the principles of our Arab manners, so that we have drifted into imitation, as though we had set out to sever ourselves from the past altogether. Were we to compare the standards of propriety and courtesy among our forebears with what we call "etiquette" today, we would find many points of resemblance, and perhaps a door of comparison would open before us — one that brightens the face of the past.

The land's region and its climate, the resources connected with it, and the needs that arise from it, have an effective part in directing conduct and fixing the customs of any people whatsoever.

In the Jahiliyya, tribal solidarity, truthfulness, gallantry, courage, endurance, and hospitality took root and ran in the veins of the Arabs; they were practiced in them until they became their general distinguishing traits. Yet they singled out the man of noble spirit — the "Gentleman" — with special accomplishments, which I sum up under three heads: writing, swimming, and archery. Whoever mastered them rose in station as a man of letters and a knight among his peers.

When Islam came, it reconciled religion with worldly life: it enjoined cleanliness, prescribed fasting, forbade intoxicants, and instituted the system of marriage in consideration of public health. The revealed verses urged adornment with good morals, making almsgiving obligatory, together with dutifulness toward parents and kin. Thus Islam laid the cornerstone of the individual's life, drawing him near to his Lord and defining his conduct toward himself and toward those around him.

The age of the Rightly-Guided Caliphs teemed with campaigns to spread the call and consolidate the pillars of the faith; strenuous struggle prevailed until rough living became a familiar sight. Those in authority found no leisure to refine social customs and the modes of living and conduct, which remained confined within the bounds of piety and austerity — until the Umayyads came, widened the horizons of conquest, and mingled with the conquered nations. They grew used to a life of luxury, became fastidious in their dress, and softened their customs, joining qualities they had inherited to manners they devised for themselves, so that they became the aspiration of the well-bred of both sexes.

When the Abbasid age dawned, social life took on a settled form, for the Arabs had finished with their conquests and the skies had cleared for them. So they gave themselves over to pleasures, heedless

of the great responsibilities. Corruption crept in, and their state lay open to foreign interference, which led to its ruin.

Yet social manners in that age reached the summit of refinement and display, and certain historians took care to record some of the news of the courts and their protocols, and the life of the palaces and their luxury. Much of that record has come down to us.

Among the finest things with which the Arabs adorned themselves, and by which they were distinguished from other nations, was their disciplining and schooling of their own souls. This showed itself in their sense of honor, their faithfulness to the pledge, their contentment and modesty, their averting their eyes from their neighbors' women, their shunning of gossip, their affection for kinsfolk and relations, their manly virtue, their freedom, and their jealous guarding of their lineage. To urge these qualities the Prophetic sayings were cited, and verses and maxims handed down.

The well-bred man has rules he must follow. Among his qualities: he should be lettered, keeping eagerly to the company of men of understanding, looking into the varieties of literature, reading books and the monuments of the past, and relating reports and poems; he should ask questions well and stand firm in his speech; he should not talk overmuch; if asked about what he knows, he answers, and if not asked, he keeps silent to listen — confirming the Prophet's saying: "Silence becomes a man better than prattle in his speech and talk of what does not concern him."

Among the agreeable habits of the well-bred man are manly virtue and good fellowship, faithfulness to a promise, and keeping away from heavy joking, for much of it abases a man, lowers his worth, and does away with manly virtue. The man of letters must forgo cheapening himself with silliness and clamoring with jest, and must shun certain vulgar expressions current on the tongues of the rabble. What completes him: a presentable suit of clothes, cleanliness of dress, refraining from spitting while he talks or in clean public places, not sitting or standing overmuch at the door of his house with his neighbors and companions, and refraining from telling his brethren of his admiration for his womenfolk and for what is in his house.

As for the Arab woman, refined society concerned itself with her as it did with the man. The counsels she was given resemble what we today call the science of household management and family relations. In the early Abbasid age and before it, the Arab woman was able to live in an atmosphere of freedom, until the late tenth century, when corruption spread everywhere and the woman was forced to be imprisoned in the heart of her house, taken as an instrument of amusement and diversion or a means of preserving offspring. Thus her station sank, and she shrank into her prison.

Yet the women who shone in that age were many. Some excelled in managing the affairs of state, like al-Khayzuran, mother of al-Mahdi and mother of al-Rashid, and 'Aliya, daughter of al-Mahdi, and Zubayda, wife of al-Rashid; and many of them plunged into the tumult of wars as commanders; and some vied with men in the gatherings of letters and art. Among them, too, were ladies who worked in the field of charity and good works, like the mother of al-Muqtadir, who ordered hospitals opened free of charge, and ordered the physicians to make the rounds of the regions and villages to treat the sick and the poor.

Woman's concern was generally confined to the care her home demanded and the tact her husband required. The Arabs grasped that a woman's throne is her house, and that however far she may go in learning, art, and letters, she will without doubt return to her realm, which was created especially for her, and in which no one can surpass her.

Among a woman's manners with her husband: constant modesty and little contradiction of him; stillness when he speaks; guarding him in his absence and forgoing any betrayal of him in what is his; sweetness of scent; care of the mouth and cleanliness of body and dress; a show of contentment and the exercise of tenderness; constant adornment; honoring his family and his kin; regarding what he provides as bounty and receiving what he does with thanks; showing him love, and gladness at the sight of him.

Likewise the man has obligations upon himself in his relation with his wife: good companionship and gentleness of word; a show of affection; overlooking the slip and pardoning the stumble; little disputing; providing maintenance without stinginess; honoring her family; constancy in the fair promise; and intense jealousy on her behalf.

Among the manners of the child toward his parents: to hear their words; to rise when they rise, out of respect; to comply with their command and answer their summons; to lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy; not to weary them with insistence; not to hold over them his kindness to them, nor his carrying out of their bidding; not to look at them askance; and not to disobey any command of theirs. As for the manners of the father with his children: to help them to be dutiful to him; not to charge them with dutifulness beyond their strength; not to press them in their hour of vexation; not to hinder them from obedience to their Lord; and not to hold his raising of them over their heads.

Among their table manners: washing the hands before the meal and after it; eating with the right hand; taking small morsels and chewing well; looking little at the faces of those present while they eat. A man does not eat reclining, nor eat beyond satiety or beyond his hunger; he excuses himself when he is full, so as not to shame a guest or one in need; he eats from the sides of the dish and does not eat from its crown; he does not lick his fingers when he has finished; he talks of what is pleasant, and does not mention death or anything that would spoil the meal for those present; he does not laugh much, but chews his food quietly; and he keeps away from eating garlic and onions, and whatever else general good manners require.

They have besides their manners in drink and dress and other social relations, which space does not allow me to recount. All I have aimed at in this word is to direct attention, and to urge readers to seek them out here and there in the books of the ancient Arabs.