The Most Amusing Things I Have Read

In one of the schools of New York the pupils were asked, after taking an examination, to sign a declaration that they had helped no one and received help from no one during the examination.

The pupils signed the oath — all but one, who kept loitering in the examination hall until all the pupils had gone. Then he came up to the proctor of the examination hall and confessed to him that he could not, with an easy conscience, sign this oath, since he had implored God to help him in the examination, and he did not know whether God had answered his prayer or not.

The proctor took up the student's examination paper, cast a quick glance over it... and replied: "I think you may safely sign the declaration!"

An old woman wanted to capture the heart of Bernard Shaw, so she wrote him the following brief letter:
"I shall be at home at exactly seven o'clock tomorrow evening."
But she received this reply:
"So shall I!!"

A beggar came into the garden of a mansion in one of the suburbs, knelt down, and began to eat the grass. The old mistress of the house was looking out of the window, and when she saw this touching sight she came down, stood at the door, and addressed him, saying: Poor man! Has hunger brought you to eating grass?

He answered: "Yes, madam."
She said: "What a pity! Come around to the kitchen door — the grass there is finer and more tender!!"...

A deputy well known for his stupidity rose and said in the middle of the assembly:
"And now I want to tell you about something I know."
Another deputy replied: "Better tell us about everything you know — that won't take long!"

Abu Muawiya the blind ate a meal with al-Rashid, and when he rose to wash his hands, al-Rashid took up the ewer and poured for him, the man not knowing it. Then he said to him: Do you know who is pouring water on your hands? He said: No. He said: It is I. He said: You, O Commander of the Faithful! He answered: Yes — and I have done this in reverence for learning.

There live in the southern oceans fish whose eyes come out of their sockets, joined to them by fine filaments, and travel up until they reach the surface of the sea, searching for food. And stranger still, one eye goes up to the surface while the other stays in its place in the fish's body to see what may cross its path, so that it may guard against an enemy or fall upon a prey!

...all kinds of food. The fat writer looked at Shaw and said: "Anyone who looks at you would think there really was a famine."
Shaw replied on the instant: "And anyone who looks at you would think you were the cause of it."

Hindu legends tell how God created woman. They say:
He took the lightness of the leaf, and the glance of the gazelle, and the radiance of the sun, and the moistness of the dew, and the fickleness of the wind, and the gentleness of the rabbit, and the hardness of jewels, and the cruelty of the tiger, and the sweetness of honey, and the heat of fire, and the coldness of snow — then he mixed all this together and created woman.

A young woman, her face flushed with shyness, came up to the telegraph clerk with a telegram addressed to a soldier. The message contained nothing beyond the soldier's name and address and the word "Yes."
The clerk looked at the lady and said: "You may write five more words, madam, for the same charge."
The lady replied: "That I know — but don't you think I should look far too eager if I repeated the word six times!"