Words That Cost Us Nothing

What most stirs my astonishment and arrests my attention in this life is the crooked policy which employers, those charged with responsibilities, and fathers use toward their subordinates and their children. You see them keeping late hours and toiling, never flagging in smoothing away difficulties and spending vast sums, that the end they aim at may come out right for them.

Yet the fruits of the work remain beyond their reach, despite all these efforts expended and this unbroken vigil... The doors of good remain bolted in their faces, and of the outlets of light nothing shows but a feeble glimmer...

"Luck has turned its back on us," say the chiefs, and they go on with their work in a glum, scowling atmosphere, seldom lit by the smile of contentment and hopefulness, seldom brightened by a tender glance that bespeaks pleasure and appreciation...

How far these people are from the truth of things! How can they hope for ease and success in their work while they are heedless of the secret that leads them to the road of success and ease? How can they hope for progress and activity when with their own hands they sow the seeds of sloth and indifference, and then await from the crop a goodly blessing and abundant yield!..

How I admire one of the world's leaders when he says: "The deepest urge in human nature is the feeling of importance." The doctor in his clinic, the small pupil in his school, the old cook, the lady of the house, and the boy who sells newspapers — all these, and all other people, however their natures and leanings differ, however great and high they may be, or however small, are open to the working of this desire. Is it not wisdom, then, to turn this desire to account, so that we gain what we want and have pleased the other party at one and the same time?

She falls upon the maid with all her might, scolding and berating her: "How many times have I warned you? What did you do while I was away? How many times must I teach you?" And most of the time we are blind to the many well-done tasks the maid finished in our absence. The poor thing had reckoned, at the moment the bell rang and she hurried to open the door, that she would hear from her mistress the finest words of praise and appreciation. And why not, when she had worked hard the whole two hours — tidied the kitchen cupboard and changed its papers, swept and wiped all the rooms and the bathroom, and forgot nothing except to dust the little bookcase? Does she deserve, for that alone, this whole storm, without one kind word to soothe her feelings? There she is, shrinking in broken humiliation, hiding herself away in the kitchen, having lost every former relish for going on with the work. And for this reason she will not wait a moment before exchanging us for someone else — for a mistress from whom she hears words like these: "Well done, Salma! I am pleased with you today; you have done many fine things. But do you know what you forgot? Look! The dust! You always leave it to spoil the whole appearance! Hurry now, clever girl — where is your dustcloth?"

And Salma hastens at once to wipe away the dust, as sorry as can be for having forgotten it, and full of energy and gladness at our praise and our appreciation of her work... And more than this, she grows attached to us, and will not consent to give up our service... What a vast difference between the atmosphere of the house created by the one treatment and by the other! And what, pray, would we lose if our remarks always came joined to the appreciation that costs nothing?

I was visiting a friend of mine when her child came home from school with his monthly marks. He shouted eagerly from the door: "Mama, Mama! Look — ninety in arithmetic!" The mother took the paper from his hand, read it through, and then said: "True, you have improved in arithmetic; but look at the English — only sixty? And the handwriting?.. I do not believe that in all your life you will ever manage to write like your classmate Sami"...

And the gleam of joy, which a moment before had been shining from the boy's eyes, faded away; the poor thing went into his room with dragging steps, the walls of his spirit fallen in, every desire and every effort gone from him. What harm would it have done her, that mother, to have met her son with words like these: "It is true you could still improve in English, and take care to perfect your handwriting; but look — ninety in arithmetic! A brilliant success! I am proud of you for it, and I am sure that next month you will do even better. Come here and take a big kiss!.."

With what spirit, with what energy would that little one then have entered his room and set about his lessons anew! And what would this mother have lost, had she replaced her first remark with this one?

These are simple scenes, drawn from the very heart of our life. I have set them down to show that biting criticism, in most cases, tends more to wrecking than to building, and that it brings no useful result and mends no state of things unless it comes joined to kind words of appreciation.

We in this country — men and women alike — are as far as can be from grasping this truth, for all its simplicity. Could we but grasp it, we should spare ourselves much trouble and turmoil, and we should see our work advance and prosper — at a cost of nothing but a few kind words expressing a sincere appreciation...