The Secret of Marriage

Marriage has become a complicated craft, demanding surpassing skill to master. And since marriage is a partnership, it falls to both parties to carry out essential obligations, for which full competence must be attained if they are to be performed to perfection. This competence varies in kind, in strength, and in appearance: some of it must exist as qualities inherent in the woman; some the man must possess in any case; and some is acquired through experience and companionship.

We have had the opportunity to learn the views of a seasoned man, in which he gathered the rules necessary for building a happy married life. We present them to our gracious readers as a model for study and reflection.

1 – Take an interest in everything that concerns the house: for the house is the one property held in common, over which married family life hovers. It is what represents the marital union and its purpose. The man who takes an interest in the affairs of the house—improving it, furnishing it, and making it attractive and healthful in every respect—secures for himself a conjugal intimacy not available to the husband who takes no part in these matters, reckoning them the wife's duties.

2 – Be ready to help with the housework: There are unforeseen circumstances that compel a woman to neglect some household duties: among them weariness of going on in one unvarying routine, or she may be seized by a slight illness, or her child may fall prey to sickness. Consider the woman's feelings in these circumstances, singly or combined. If the husband comes demanding perfection, he throws his wife into an anxiety that cuts the sinews of her faith in marriage; she staggers under the burden, and may come to renounce it.

3 – Give your wife her own spending money: Every woman should have a sum of money at her disposal, however small, free of any accounting. Were not her parents generous with her? Then why should the husband be stingy?

4 – Look closely at what your wife wears: If your wife appears before you in a new dress and it has pleased you, beware of passing it by unheeded. Say to her, for instance: "How happy I have always been to know that you fix your choice on a dress knowing beforehand that it will take hold of me altogether."

5 – Be open-handed in giving presents: It is very well to learn your wife's fancy for certain things, however trifling they may seem in your eyes, and to surprise her with them, as though you were courting her affection all over again.

6 – If women are mentioned... beware: In conversation between husband and wife, mention may arise of certain women: a friend's fiancée, or a director's wife, or an emir's sister. This is an extremely delicate situation... so beware of it...

7 – Do not forget to declare your love to her: Beware of coldness, for it destroys faith in the value of the marriage bond. Consider your wife's sacrifices and her endurance of hardships to give you comfort; declare your love to her always, put your honest heart upon your tongue, and proclaim her virtues and her importance to your life—lest you lose many privileges in her heart. A woman's affections do not admit of "dropping all ceremony."

1 – Your husband's desk: keep your attentions away from it unless he asks: Even if your husband seems to work in disorder, the likelihood is that he knows where his things are. It is better not to earn his vexation by turning it upside down and shifting its contents about while you claim to be making his affairs easier—he understands that as muddle and confusion inflicted upon him.

2 – Learn his taste in food: If you are not good at cooking, then roll up your sleeves at once and learn this great art, and you will see that cookery is the only art that is perfected in the very practice of it. But you [...]

You will see something more astonishing and stranger than this. For when your husband sees your care for his food, he understands that you care for him personally. Preparing everything properly, with precision, elegance, and speed, he will count a favor he is bound to repay. Moreover, if you surprise him now and then with the dishes, fruits, or sweets in which he takes a particular delight, you will loose his tongue in praise, and he will shower you with an appreciation and admiration you could not obtain to enjoy by any other path of artfulness and invention.

3 – Beware of moods: If some anxiety or care shows upon your husband, leave him be; the cause may be a matter essential to his life and his position in society, or he may be considering a change in the manner of living, or a move from one country to another.

4 – Go along with your husband: If you see your husband despairing, do not forget that pleasantry clears despair away. Just as you hope that he will consider your feelings in everything, take care not to leave his feelings out of account. If you enter into affairs he regards as his own, proceed with deliberation and gravity, and refrain from disparaging what matters to him.

5 – Keep your attractiveness after marriage: Your power to hold his heart entirely is your capital, which yields the greatest returns. Therefore maintain the appearances that delight his eyes and captivate his mind. Never neglect your toilette. And beware of dropping all ceremony between the two of you. Strive to keep up your care for yourself, your health, and your charm, so that you may remain the bride of his soul.

6 – Broaden your mental horizons: How like the mind is to flint, which gives no spark unless it is struck! And there are forms of striking out knowledge that are indispensable: among them the company of literary women and of sober people of experience, and the reading of useful books. It must be said that keeping pace with the age is a binding necessity; it well becomes you to read the weekly or monthly magazine that concerns itself with the sciences, arts, and letters and brings you the latest in the world of thought and invention. Even the daily newspapers are not without some benefit in the reading.

7 – Let your going out of the house be a happy occasion: Do not leave your home unless you know the reason for your going out and appreciate the abundant benefits you gain from closing your door behind you and going into society—whether on an outing, or a formal call, or attendance at a literary or social gathering. This opportunity should bring you back a renewal of spirit and benefits of character that add to the brilliance of your personality and the enlightenment of your knowledge. And it is well to hold festive occasions in your home, to which you invite the people dearest to you both; you will pass hours of pleasure to be remembered for days to come, and you will be kept safe from the feeling of loneliness and of household preoccupation.