O Mama's Life

This message of good motherhood was written by our departed woman of letters some eight years ago, when her only son, Mr. Nadim Dimashqiyah, resolved to marry; at that time he held a good post in the Lebanese embassy in London.
This letter will remain, however long the years pass over it, a solid foundation and a reference for everyone who embarks upon a new life and stands at the crossroads in perplexity and confusion. What sound, disinterested wisdom this message of motherhood has held between its two covers!

O Mama's Life,
I ask you to read this in cold blood, like the blood of the English among whom you have lived for a year in their own home ground. The subject before us is the gravest subject we have discussed together thus far. Hence keeping our nerves calm will make it easier for you to listen, and for me to examine the matter with deliberation, without bias toward any particular view, emotional or intellectual.
Most people, as you well know — and I do not say the young, for in my eyes all people are alike in this respect — enter upon marriage either from the impulse of sexual inclination, or from the impulse of interest. It is emotion, then, that generally takes over the direction in this field: it draws up its plan for those who seek marriage in the color it wants and craves, whether that color be love, or passion, or money, or standing, or a splendid motorcar, or an impregnable palace, or, or.. etc... So the two partners, the man and the woman, proceed to the contract and the compact for the making of this house which, as soon as they have founded it, adds to the society to which they belong a workshop — one of the most momentous workshops of life, for the preservation of survival and the secret of existence — the workshop that bears the man's name, and expresses his being and the being of his partner through what they add to it of their offspring, and the fruits of their material and social efforts, for good if good, or for ill if ill!!

And God forbid, my son, that you should be one of those who do not grasp the gravity of undertaking to found a house — any but that house which will be the highest example of our new Arab home, which the nation awaits, and of which we stand in the direst need, especially in this milieu that pins great hopes on your marriage and your future...

And now let us return to the effect of your letter upon us.

I read it, and so did your father, twice, and three times. Then each of us withdrew to his room without either of us uttering a single word that betrayed its effect upon us. And here is what passed through my mind when I was alone with myself, without any addition or subtraction. Scarcely had I reached the passage indicating Miss Margaret's determination to remain at the side of her supposed first fiancé and to serve him should he return from the war disfigured, or deranged, or unable to support himself by himself... whereas if the contrary were the case, she would be free and clear of him. This, be it known, though there exists no legal or religious text whatever that compels her to this bond, with which she bound herself of her own free choice...

No sooner had I finished reading this passage than a wave of love and esteem for Margaret swept over my soul that I am powerless to describe. It is, by my truth, a noble sentiment that can issue only from a girl of deep sincerity and high breeding. And there is also her love for you, and her silent friendship during the months that have passed since your acquaintance, and her seeing to the arrangement of your needs, sacrificing her hours of leisure and her rest — all of which has increased my love and tenderness for her, and a sure longing to clasp her to me...

In short, what I have sensed from your lines, and from private conversations with the individuals who have made her acquaintance and seen her in your company, is that she appears to be a girl who is composed, sensible, and gracious, and who loves you with a true and honorable love.

But with all this, am I to be blamed, Nadim, if anxiety steals over me when I picture you on the point of binding yourself to a woman who is a stranger to us, removed by all this distance from your people and your country?!! Am I to be blamed for my concern over this grave step you are about to take — I who have known life's sweetness and its bitterness, I who have spent the years watching, at close hand and close range, the life of families, and the contingencies that beset the happiness of married couples and make resistance to them, at times, a sheer impossibility?!!

Accordingly, I hope it will not vex you if I put to you a few questions which cannot fail to give you a clear picture of what is passing through my mind and your father's, and of what occurs to us in this connection.

1 — Do you truly harbor, in the recesses of your soul and among the folds of your brain, a respect sufficient to equal your love for this girl? And if so, did you strip yourself of sexual emotion before you resolved to marry her?! Did you seek complete frankness with her when you disclosed to her everything that turns in your mind, and everything your soul says to you, and everything your heart and your intellect overflow with of hopes, and aspirations, and desires, and emotions, and inclinations, and appetites?!!..

2 — Have you explained to her clearly that first and fundamental aim which you set up for yourself from your youth, the aim that brought you to those lands so far from us in this age fraught with dangers?!

You, my darling, young in years as you are, have striven, and have attained, despite your youth, a distinguished position of no small worth among your people; so God forbid that anything should cross your path to send you back to the beginning of the road, and destroy all the efforts you have expended. Do you not think it necessary to review your circumstances and your particular conditions, those that have passed and those at hand, and to work to bring them all into accord with your goal? And the most important act you can perform toward that end is the choice of the suitable companion who accepts, with entire goodwill, to help you bring the endeavor to success, and to reach the goal?!..

Observation has proved to us that those who have succeeded in life succeeded because they concentrated their hopes upon a single desire: they knew the end for which they were created, then took the road toward it, and went on their way with firm foot and long strides, meeting no obstacle but they subdued it, and facing no impediment but they passed over it. And this is what you have done, my Nadim, until now, and what has been the cause of our pride, and of the esteem of your friends and of people for you; and my hope is that you will go forward on this same course to the end...

3 — Have you been frank with Margaret in what concerns your material position? For material means, as you know, have a very great influence on the harmony and happiness of the married pair, however much the devout and the philosophizing philosophers may exaggerate in belittling their importance..

4 — Have you explained to her the factors that divide East from West, even those most strange and most disturbing to a Western girl who has never before today left the bounds of her own country?

5 — What is her parents' material and social position? Has she brothers and sisters? What is her age?

6 — Is she beautiful of face, of figure, and of dress? And do not forget your sensitive temperament in this regard!!..

7 — How is her health? For health is the fundamental factor in the making of a family. Look into this point with close attention, lest you be exposed to what your father was exposed to — a life embittered by the failing of my health, and by my not sharing with him in social and practical life.

8 — What is commonly said here among us is this: that the Englishwoman is not like the Frenchwoman, or the German, for example, in the management of household affairs as regards taste, and orderliness, and cleanliness. And you know well what an effective influence this quality has upon home life, especially in this age when servants' wages are rising and their tyranny grows to a degree beyond imagining. Have you studied this side of Margaret's inclinations? Does she possess energy for work in the house? And are there, in her parents' house, the signs of true taste and cleanliness?..

I see no need to enlarge further upon each of these questions and to set out the consequences that follow from them. You have knowledge and understanding enough to make you careful in your directions. And I would not have put them to you in this form, asking your answer to them, but for my longing, and your father's, to form a distinct, clear picture of the woman who will share with us your love, and the care of you, and the concern for your comfort, and the securing of your happiness, should you determine to be joined to her.

Beyond that, we have nothing to say save one thing to which I wish to draw your attention: the difference of language, which is no less important than the other differences of race, especially with respect to your father, who is wholly ignorant of English.

You are, I have no doubt, that son who is dutiful to his parents, and I do not imagine you wish to keep your happiness to yourself alone; rather you desire to share it with us, and to lighten upon us the burden of middle age — I do not say old age, lest your father be angry. Yet I fear that your desire may not be realized in this regard, since language will stand as an impassable barrier to understanding between him and Margaret — he who expects to keep company with you both far more than I shall — that is, if fortune favors me and I remain alive until I see the two of you together.. It truly pains me to imagine the loneliness your father will suffer after my going — with old age at the gates — whether he will or no...

As for your request for approval, and for our blessing upon you, in what concerns this marriage — you have it, my son, in any case. For your good sense and your poise, and your guarding of your dignity and your good name, whether near to us or far, until now, have filled us with gladness and pride, and awaken in us the assurance, and the hope, that you will keep to this course to the end. So may God bless you, my son, and illumine your mind, and guide you on the path to what holds your good and your happiness, O Mama's beloved.