Why Do Our Children Lie?

Child-Rearing Corner

I should like us to consider truthfulness before lying... Honesty, in speech or otherwise, is an acquired trait, not an inborn one; it comes by way of imitation and practice and the other paths of learning... Lying, on the other hand, is an outward symptom, and our concern is to know the psychological factors and motives, and the forces, that lead to the appearance of this symptom.

Two factors prepare the ground for lying in the child: the capacity and adroitness of the tongue, and the fertility and activity of the imagination.

This lying comes in many varieties: imaginative, confusional, pretending, vengeful, selfish, defensive, obstinate, pathological, and the lying of imitation.

As for imaginative lying, there is no cause for alarm in it — on the contrary, we do well to direct this splendid idealizing power and to profit by it, as by trading him one imaginary tale for another, and making him understand that although the story is entertaining, it is far from reality.

Close to imaginative lying is the confusional kind: the child ordinarily cannot distinguish between what he sees as actual reality and what he perceives vividly in his imagination, and this kind of lying usually disappears of its own accord once his mind reaches a level at which he can tell reality from fancy. These two kinds of lying are held to be innocent... As for the lying of pretension — as when the child exaggerates in describing his own experiences so as to produce pleasure and delight in his listeners, making himself the center of admiration and esteem, and thereby satisfying his urge to dominate... The child may feel a want of affection and care, or he may find himself in a circle above his own; in this case it behooves those who rear him to uncover the good sides in the child and direct them well.

The child also lies to gain some personal end — this is what may be called selfish pretending lying — as when the child asks his father for money, claiming it is for his mother, while he wants it to buy candy for himself.

Perhaps the cause of this kind of lying is the child's want of confidence in grown-ups — in his parents — because of their frequent punishing of him and their standing in the way of the fulfillment of his wishes and needs.

And the child lies in order to bring against others accusations that will entail their punishment, thus avenging himself on the one he envies.

But the most widespread kind of lying is the lying of fear, to defend himself against a punishment he anticipates; it usually arises from the way grown-ups treat him when he has done wrong — punishing him in a manner that hurts him.

Often the child lies in imitation of those around him — as when the mother lies to her boy, making him believe she will take him on a short outing when she means to march him off to the doctor. And nothing is more delicious to the child than defying harsh authority — so he lies.

There is an incident which one mother tells of her child, who was in the habit of wetting himself in his sleep: she forbade him to drink before bedtime, whereupon he