Common Mistakes in Child-Rearing

The home environment has the greatest effect in forming the child's personality. And since at the outset of his life he is easily influenced and open to molding, more than at any later stage, he is affected by everything around him — things or persons, every sight his eye falls upon, every word he hears, every emotion stirred in him. Parents may imagine that the incidents that befall him, or the circumstances that surround him, are outwardly trivial and of no account, and may not affect the little one's inner life; but their repetition day after day gives them the greatest effect in the forming of his character.

The child is like a mirror: he reflects every movement he sees, and repeats every word he hears from those among whom he lives. And the mother is held the first person responsible for every crookedness that appears in the child's character, since it lies within her power to keep him away from the influences that corrupt his character, and to accustom him to praiseworthy qualities. Here, Madam, are some examples of the common mistakes in child-rearing:

It may disturb you to hear your child utter words outside the bounds of good manners and sound upbringing; you are astonished at it — indeed you stand thunderstruck and bewildered before this disgraceful conduct. But wait: the matter is simpler than you imagined. If you listened to the talk of the servants and nursemaids to whom you leave the care of your child, you would trace by it the source of those expressions. The fault of repeating unseemly phrases is not the little one's fault; the responsibility rests on the shoulders of the one who rears him, for like a parrot he repeats what he hears without grasping any meaning in it.

It may grieve you, too, that the little one speaks to grown-ups without respect or politeness, not knowing how to say "thank you" or "please." And how do you expect all this, when you yourself do not address him in a like tone? If you wish, Madam, to plant in him the spirit of ideal good manners, so that he grows up tactful, well-bred, considerate of the feelings of others, let it begin from the very first years. Just as you want him to treat grown-ups, so treat him yourself, in the very same way. You will soon be astonished at the brilliant results, for the child is quick at mimicry and loves to copy.

Have you not sat down one day at the table with your child beside you, and indicated to the servant, within the little one's sight, that this dish did not please you — because it was not well cooked, for instance? The very next day your child follows your example: you find him refusing a kind of food out of love of imitating and resembling you; you try to persuade him, and when he insists, your temper flares and you scold him. But would it not have been more fitting not to make that remark of yours in front of him? Had you done so, you would have avoided the problem, and perhaps the little one would have set upon the food as usual, with willingness and appetite.

Do you send your child to bed and order the servant, within the little one's hearing, not to leave him alone in the dark? If that happens, the child will believe that the dark is a dreadful, frightening thing. And so the child grows up fearful, cowardly, timorous; and what deepens the impression is what he may hear from the servants — lying tales and superstitions about demons and jinn, for instance. It is better, to avoid these results, to accustom the child to sleeping alone, by a faint, quiet light if he fears the dark; then his fears melt away, his illusions are scattered, and the habit of sleeping alone becomes for him a natural thing that stirs no anxiety and brings you no trouble.

A mother offers her child a tonic medicine — it may be delicious in taste and sweet in flavor — but the little one may refuse it on the plea that he does not relish medicine and has no wish at all to take it. The mother presses him, now with gentleness, now with severity; his obstinacy hardens and he persists in refusing. Had the mother shown no concern at his obstinacy, left him for a while, then come to him at a fitting moment and explained to him the benefits of that medicine and its effective part in his growth and vigor — besides its being delicious in taste — supporting her words by tasting the medicine within his sight, the matter would have been easy, and the little one would have taken the medicine with a willing heart and without any hesitation.

Some mothers press their children hard in their studies, and this leads the children to hate learning and to seek amusement and play in the hours set apart for study and lessons. This may affect their future most harmfully. If mothers took to the policy of encouragement and persuasion instead of punishment and threats, and allowed the little ones time enough for play and recreation before they begin their lessons, trying to help them by explaining the difficult subjects without irritation or complaint, the little ones would bring home satisfying results — results that beget in them the love of study and work, and kindle in their souls the flame of ambition to press forward along the paths of progress.

Perhaps you have gone one day, Madam, with your child to the doctor's office, and instead of preparing the ground beforehand and explaining to him the reasons for the visit and its necessity, you tell him, for example, that you are taking him on an outing. But the little one soon comes upon the truth of the matter; he takes fright and grows confused, and it rankles in his soul that his mother did not tell him the truth. And this is what leads him to doubt her words on other occasions, even when they are truthful and frank to the farthest degree.

The child may err in word or deed, and you rebuke him or bring down a severe punishment upon him, without making his error clear to him, or the right way to avoid it on other occasions. With repetition the little one loses his power to distinguish between wrong and right, between good and bad, and by degrees he learns that in lying there is escape from punishment. This robs him of his courage and his power to speak the truth, and he grows up a coward and a liar — whereas had you been forbearing with him the first time, in view of his ignorance, and guided him with your tact and your wisdom onto the right road, you would have spared him the committing of such follies, and the resort to the disgraceful weapon of lying.

And know, Madam, that threats and blows, if repeated, lose their effect and lead to the opposite of the result intended. Likewise, excess in rewarding the child and in pampering him may drive him always to expect a bribe for every act; and in this lies the dissolution of his personality and the corruption of his character.

Will you not then, O sensible mother, observe all these considerations, so that your children may grow up soundly reared and be the pride of the nation and the boast of the family?