The Child-Rearing Corner

"Your child broke a vase at a friend's house — how do you meet his act? The opinion of the American, the Englishwoman, the Frenchwoman, and the Lebanese woman."

An old friend once visited me and brought her two children along to play with mine. She and I sat talking, and we left the little ones to themselves, playing in the garden within sight of us. Suddenly we heard the sound of something shattering.. The three children had slipped in to where we were sitting, and their eyes had been caught by a beautiful vase in the shape of a bird carrying flowers on its back, which stood on a table in the corner. The boy picked it up, and the girl tried to take it to look at it before him; it slipped from her hands and fell to the floor, shattered. And here arose the problem into which every mother alike falls, and over whose solution she is at a loss the moment it happens. Should my companion scold her two children and punish each of them by barring them from going on with their play, leaving my son to play and romp by himself? Or leave them be, threatening them with punishment when she got home? Or give her anger free rein and punish each of them until they are deterred from such deeds? Or take her two children, excuse herself, and depart, saying to them: "You are not fit to come visiting with me, because this behavior of yours lowers my standing"? Or hold to the principle of not wounding a child's feelings in front of strangers, and then take up the conversation again as though nothing had happened? All these reactions come from a great many mothers, but each of them has its faults. As for my companion, she acted wisely — and I shall tell you, ladies, what she did, after I give you the opinions of ladies from different circles whom I canvassed on this subject. I asked an English mother, an American, a Frenchwoman, and a Lebanese. Here, then, is what each of them said.

I asked the Englishwoman: If your child shows some misbehavior in company, or if he falls short in his school duties, do you scold him in front of others? She answered, in effect: If he is ill-mannered in company I reprimand him before people and ask him, gently but firmly, to apologize. And I would rather wound his dignity myself ten times over than have others wound it, even by a hint. Nevertheless, in certain serious cases I prefer the reprimand to take place out of hearing and out of sight, so as to spare the boy the weight of feeling humiliated before people — a feeling that may breed in his soul a vicious inclination toward cowardice and fear, or an inclination to rebel against his mother, to shrink from her, and to bear a grudge against all people. Yet whenever my son does something worthy of admiration, I praise him before all our acquaintances and heap compliments on him, to raise his morale and encourage him.

And this is the American mother's opinion:
I cannot give a categorical answer, because a mother must use her head in every situation. Sometimes I am obliged to reprove and rebuke the child the moment the fault occurs, because if he is small and I put off scolding him until after we return home, it is only natural that the child will have forgotten everything that happened. And sometimes the child does not notice that what he did was wrong; very often he behaves badly not with the intent to offend, but because he does not know what the ideal way to behave is.

The French mother said: No, of course I would not scold my child in front of people, because if I did not overlook some of the faults my child commits — faults to which nothing but his age drives him — I should be doing him an injustice. The child who does what he wants learns from his mistake. As for me, all I have to do is instruct him in good form and etiquette before we leave the house; and if he forgets, society will rebuke and reprove him before I do, in that he feels ashamed of himself and takes in the consequences, fixed in his mind more firmly than a thousand words and scoldings. Nor will I wound his feelings — but firmness is always my weapon.

A refined Lebanese mother said: If we come to examine the principles of upbringing, rebuking children in front of people has many evils, of which I will mention these. First: if a child grows used to having his feelings wounded and being rebuked in front of people, he loses his sense of shame, and impudence and hardness are born in him. Second: while the child is small he may accept the rebuke in good spirit, but when he grows older it breeds in him hatred of his parents, and he grows used to lying in order to avoid embarrassment before people. And a third reason forbids me to rebuke or scold my child before people, especially on my receiving days: my rebuking him might create a murky, troubled atmosphere — and my guests have a claim on me which I must safeguard. As for praise and compliments, I ought not to forget to mention every good deed he does, at home and outside; I state it without adding anything to it, so that his desire for good deeds may grow.

So said the ladies whom I canvassed on the subject. As for my companion, she apologized to me on behalf of her two children for having broken the vase; then she took them aside and addressed them in a voice so low that I would hardly have heard it, but for my pressing interest in the matter. She said, in a firm, resolute tone: "Do you want, my dears, the lady of the house to say that you do not know how to behave and cannot appreciate the value of precious things? And would you like someone to break the beautiful vase in which you put the flowers from the garden? All you have to do now is to go and apologize to the lady, and promise her that you will save out of your pocket money until you can present her with a beautiful vase like the one that was broken." And so the two children did — though I, of course, did not accept her proposal, especially since their conduct showed the finest manners, deep feeling, and a regard for my position. For despite their tender age they grasped the value of the thing that was lost on their account, and they understood that they had behaved badly — and that is enough to keep them from doing such a thing again.