Memoirs of a Heart..!

From the window of her room she leaned out to breathe the evening breezes, hoping they might relieve a little of her anxiety and agitation; and before long she felt a stinging tear slip from between her lashes down her cheek...

Then she drew back to let down the velvet curtains of her window, and went to recline on a soft seat in her room, hoping to find some calm and rest, hoping to be at peace after this day saturated with voices; and with her musings she lived out that whole evening.

What radiance! An overflowing of youth, a mass of strength and vitality — no, never in my life have I seen a young man more handsome! And his eyes! How sweet his eyes in that noble dark face! And his figure! And his military uniform!..

Would that I had known him before — I would have been done with my perplexity. But so circumstances willed, even though he is a relative of mine. No doubt his military duties required that he not visit us all this while, and my being a boarding student removed me this far from my own circle...

How lovely this spring holiday — would that it lasted! Enough that it made me acquainted with Sabah, enough that it turned me in a new direction in my life and set me walking toward a definite goal..

How cruel this day is — how it passed, leaving its memories behind. Never in my life have I felt a day pass as swiftly as this day passed. If man could sit in judgment over time, I would have halted this day and never let it end...

He filled my day, he filled my life, and he filled my heart with love and admiration. Our old servant told me his story, for I did not dare ask my father. She said: he struggled the struggle of heroes until he reached what he now is. She told me he lived an orphan, destitute; he studied at the village school and showed a surpassing intelligence; then he took to working and studying at the same time until he finished his secondary studies, and after that he entered the military academy...

I never doubted his resolve and his intelligence — and how could they be hidden, when the will shines in his eyes? No, I never doubted, and never shall doubt it. A curse on this life of mine — how hard it is, and how like I am to a fettered prisoner between the walls of this sumptuous house. Neither do the furnishings tempt me nor the motorcars dazzle me, nor the servants, nor the visitors, nor anyone. I would prefer his poverty, prefer his life, prefer the hardship of living at his side to this whole life of mine...

How fierce is my torment! To whom shall I complain? To whom shall I confess my love? From whom shall I seek guidance and counsel? Today I need you, Mother — where are you? You left me early; I never knew your tenderness. They say no love equals a mother's love — would that I had known it, Mother.. How I burn when I hear my schoolmates calling “Mama” — a word I have so long yearned to use, but it was forbidden me among all the words of the language. And my father loves me, but his wife and his children and his guests and his business — all these things keep him from me. Would that you could help me, Mother, from where you are, and inspire me with what I must do..

His face does not leave my eyes. What radiance in that countenance! He left me in a kind of trance; I can scarcely believe that I have found the young man of my dreams. I shall live on his love; no one occupies me after him. He filled the emptiness of my life with wondrous speed, and I find no one but him, O my God...

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Hayfa woke from her reverie; the room had sunk into darkness. Before going out to share the family's supper she looked at her face in the mirror and noticed on it the marks of agitation and brooding; so she set about trying to hide her agitation behind a sweet smile. But this did not escape her aunt, who after supper went to ask her husband what was the matter with Hayfa, so troubled: I have never seen her in such a daze — I fear Sabah has worked an upheaval in her thinking. But the father paid the words no great attention.

The days passed, and love of Sabah burned in Hayfa's heart; but all that occupied her thinking was this: did Sabah love her as she loved him, and how was she to reach him again — and tomorrow she would leave the house, returning to school..

And Hayfa returned to school — but oh, the dreadfulness of that upheaval in her conduct, in her speech, and in her absent-mindedness! Her schoolmates began whispering and debating over this change that had come upon Hayfa, though the matter stayed hidden from them.

A school term passed over her; Hayfa began to fall behind in her lessons, despite her former excellence. How often her schoolmates had tried to rival her and failed; but this time, with all ease, they were able to rout her. She felt the bitterness of the blow, but her love made her scorn such things..

The summer holiday came, and Hayfa set about preparing to carry out her wish, to decide her fate — but how great was the second blow she received: on her arrival they told her that Sabah had become engaged to her relative Layla. Hayfa suffered, but her voice broke within her breast. She could not utter what surged in her heart, so she treated her wound by lulling it, folding in upon herself..

And in her solitude she lived with him, even though he had shattered her — shattered her wishes and her hopes and her future, shattered the castles she had built and the dreams with which she had beguiled herself..

And the days went on repeating themselves, leaving Hayfa to live in a tragedy that circumstances had written for her — a tragedy that all but drained her of her vitality and her charm. She kept trying to mingle with the members of the family when she was gathered with them, then returning to remember her dreams and to live with her memories; she took comfort in them although they were a deadly poison to her. Then she resolved to set down this page of her life on paper, and she took up the writing of her memoirs...

July 1...

How ignorant you are, Sabah, and how cruel. I thought you understood the language of love; I thought your feeling answered mine — but how quickly the harsh truth showed itself to me. Can it be that you feared my father would rebuff your suit — my father, to whom you speak as though he were your commanding officer — and is that why you became engaged to Layla?

I had thought you the rescuer of my soul from this prison of mine — but how quickly you became the cruel jailer...

July 5...

Layla came to visit me, as though she came to add sorrow to my sorrow. I wanted to slap her across the face — she who rivaled me and occupied your heart. Love shines in her eyes and life shows upon her face. Ah, would that I were Layla and she were Hayfa!

I tried to master my nerves before her, but I could not — how weak I am! I pretended that I was suffering from a pain in my head.

And Hayfa again made ready to go back to school, her one and only destination; there she could distract herself — fill her time and her thinking and draw away a little from her past. She resolved to forget it and to recover her former energy and diligence.

And she did in fact manage to recover something of her vitality, her freshness, and her diligence; and on holidays she tried to fill her time by visiting her friends and relatives. Hayfa had a friend, a relative called Samira, who studied law at the university; she visited her constantly and tried to lighten her pains by pouring out her complaints to her. One day Hayfa went to spend the week's holiday at this relative's house, and in the course of conversation Samira told her that Sabah, her cousin, had visited them the day before, and she began singing his qualities and his good looks; and Hayfa listened in distress and heartache, while Samira remained oblivious to the sorrows welling up in Hayfa's heart..

And the days passed, and Hayfa had almost triumphed over her weakness, had almost forgotten Sabah. But she did not know what fate was hiding for her; and one day, while she was visiting Samira, the latter told her with feeling that Sabah had broken off his engagement to Layla.

Samira thought Hayfa would be grieved at the news, but presently she saw that glow upon Hayfa's face, and that agitation which was like the agitation of joy... and she fell silent, happy in her feeling. Samira was astonished and asked her the meaning of this behavior of hers. At that point — I could not believe she had gone before I hurried to my room and shut the door. Who, I wonder, cares for me?

xxxx

Hayfa was able to acquaint her with the truth of her situation. Samira was silent for a while, then rose and said: Do not despair, Hayfa — would that you had told me from the beginning. You have my pledge that I shall bring your dreams and your wishes to pass. I shall tell Sabah the plain truth of the matter, and, God willing, I shall succeed in joining two hearts never again to part. Sabah is dear to me, and I shall know how to open the matter to him..

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On a quiet hilltop there now stands a beautiful house, shaded by sweet trees, with happiness and gladness fluttering above it. It is the house of Hayfa and Sabah. Samira had taken a vow upon herself to join these two hearts, and she succeeded in her mission. And on the balcony, every day, Sabah seizes a few minutes to read Hayfa's memoirs — and on his lashes glistens a tear!