In The Woman's Voice Forum: She Is Fourteen

At "The Woman's Voice forum" for this month, a circle of our ladies gathered — ladies who have blossoming young flowers of their own — and they discussed the subject with understanding, gentleness, and sincerity. They are:
Olga Shammas — Sabiha Fares — Hanana Daouk — Claire Adam — Edvick Shayboub.

The problem:

Your daughter has reached fourteen and has begun to rebel against your pattern of upbringing, calling you "strict" and "reactionary."
In imitation of her companions, she demands prettier frocks, nylon stockings, heeled shoes, and so on... How, then, do you meet the revolt of her young years? Do you bow to her judgment and grant her demands, or do you refuse her and crush her high spirits?

She is fourteen.

The mirror grows too small for her supple, lengthening figure. The dress shrinks, rises above her knees, then tightens at the breast. Her hair has wearied of the colored ribbon; it longs to break loose in a forelock over the forehead and a cascade over the shoulders. And her feet dream of a heel that rises higher and lifts them level with the eyes.

She is fourteen, and you, madam, are perplexed, murmuring: "It's a problem!"

But is there truly a problem?

The editor-in-chief, Edvick Shayboub, opened the discussion, saying:

— As conscious mothers, we shall try to learn the reasons that lead a girl to think her mother reactionary or strict, so as to reach a conclusion useful to every mother.

Olga — Something happened between me and my daughter last week. After her companions had visited her, she came straight to me: Mama, get me "nylon" stockings, for I will not wear ankle socks after today. When, taken aback, I questioned her, she explained: some of my companions wear silk too, and I will not be the butt of their mockery. So I said to her: but nylon and silk stockings are things in which you look as though you were 25 years old.

Edvick — And was your daughter convinced by this logic? I believe logic is of no use to a girl at this age. Besides, her companions are the one authority she acknowledges and is influenced by.

Claire — That is why we must handle her by the method of tightening and slackening: now we pull tight, now we let out.

Sabiha — I allowed my daughter to wear nylon stockings even before she asked for them herself; in this way I took the thrill out of them, and before long she had tired of them. And I hold that the school falls short in its cooperation with the home in guiding the girl at the stage when her womanhood is unfolding. The Ministry of Education should draw up modern programs that keep pace with the development of our social life beyond the walls of the playgrounds.

Hanana — The Ministry of Education should look carefully into adopting social education as a basic subject in the curriculum.

Edvick — The social side is not the only problem; the school must also impose a "uniform dress" on its pupils at this age.

Olga — And weekly meetings should be organized between the parents and the members of the teaching staff.

Sabiha — I suggest that, to win the girl's confidence, we should welcome her friends into the home.

Claire — And the mother must herself be her daughter's friend.

Hanana — My daughter trusts me blindly, because I am her friend.

Sabiha — But we must criticize her friends to her honestly and impartially — that is, without prejudice against them. And let us try to win her friends as friends of our own, and accompany them to the cinema or to parties...

Claire — How shall we accompany her, when she believes we are of an old generation while she is of a present, free-striding generation that understands things more deeply than we do? Besides, my daughter is convinced that we two differ in our view of the demands of life, even though she trusts me.

Hanana — That means your daughter still takes her companions, not you, her mother, as her valid authority. Let me give you another example: my sister's daughter goes out with "foreign" companions and comes home every evening to accuse her mother: "You don't understand a thing about life — you know nobody but Papa — you don't go anywhere, you don't come anywhere, so how are you going to understand me?" The mother treated the foreign girls' hold on our girl's mind by preparing a full program for her every day: cinema, visits, games, dresses... and so, little by little, she was drawn away from an atmosphere that has no tie whatever to our own, and brought into our own society.

Sabiha: That is a wise method.

Claire — Sport is important for the girl at this age: the sea, tennis...

Sabiha — But the girl should live her own life; that is, she herself should choose the pastime that suits her.

Claire — What matters most is that she admire her mother, so that the mother may watch over her in the choosing.

Sabiha — The essential thing is that we not teach our daughters by preaching and exhortation; rather we must try to be an example, or a good model, for real life.

Claire — We must also be moderate, father and mother alike, in our treatment of the girl, for her age does not allow her to search out the truth.

Sabiha — Let her take the truth from us, rather than imagine it or take it wrongly from others.

Edvick — What is your opinion of these magazines that our daughters devour, and which set certain truths before them in cheap, vulgar ideas?

Hanana — No harm; let the girl read the truth in whatever form and shape it comes.

Olga — I agree with Hanana.

Sabiha — Neither magazines nor friends will turn the girl away from resorting to her mother in her search for honesty about the truth — provided the mother proves to her daughter that she is truly worthy of her trust: that she does not fritter away her time and all her attention among the hairdresser, the dressmaker, and the nouveautés shops.

Edvick — Our children grumble that we hold over them the debt of having brought them up.

Claire — Children must understand that moving with the fashion is one thing, and moving in morals is quite another.

Hanana — Yes indeed; principles remain principles from the time man first existed until the end of this world.

Sabiha — That is why I propose that my daughter be conscious of the purpose of her going, for example, to the sea — which I myself was denied. The purpose is more than the display of the body; the sea is sport and a benefit to the spirit... And we must make our girl feel that she is free.

Edvick — Let her be free, but without excess.

And I come back to ask: is reading harmful at this age?

Claire — Reading is important for children, for it occupies their leisure hours.

Olga — In my opinion the girl should be left to read everything, and we should discuss with her what she has read.

Hanana — And I too suggest that the mother supervise this reading.

Sabiha: What supervision? Reading has slipped out of our hands, because the publishing houses are commercial concerns that care for nothing but material profit — far more than for raising the level of our reader's thinking.

Edvick — There is no guidance at all.

Sabiha — We lack books for the young, and libraries, and clubs. And the government is responsible for this negligence.

Hanana — We have good foreign books.

Claire: For that very reason — and because the good Arabic book is lacking — our children grow up caring nothing for their mother tongue.

Sabiha — Our schools are responsible for the weakening of the Arabic language.

Hanana — The government must compel the schools to strengthen the Arabic language. And speaking of reading, I believe it is a necessity, for it fills the leisure hours in which the girl of this age flounders.

Edvick — There are things besides reading: music, scouting, hobbies of every kind...

Sabiha — Our schools exhaust the children with so many assignments that they take no account of the adolescence through which they are passing.

Claire — I suggest that "mothers" be brought in to share in reviewing our elementary school programs.

Hanana — There must be a link between the school and the home.

Claire — Rather, there must be strict watch over the girl of fourteen — we should open her "letters," for instance.

Olga — I object.

Edvick — And I object strongly.

Sabiha — She should open her own mail — provided we win her trust and friendship, so that she herself lets us in on every matter she keeps hidden.

Claire — That means we must prepare a calm home life for the girl.

Edvick — Mothers must neglect their own selves — without excess — in order to keep company with their children.

Olga — I set aside their holidays for outings, and excuse myself from every invitation or engagement that would keep me from devoting myself to them.

Edvick — A wrong situation in the home drives our daughters to waywardness.

Olga — I suggest we forbid our girl to keep company with boys in the families of friends, and that she not go out except in the company of a member of the family.

Sabiha — The prohibition depends on the character of the house she is visiting; if we know it, we let her go alone; otherwise it is better that she not go.

Claire — I suggest we accompany the girl to the cabaret or the cinema or on excursions, and so keep her from going — alone — to a small party held at a friend's house.

Hanana — Why all this severity? So long as we have encouraged her to choose the good friend, it is better to leave her free to act.

Claire — What matters in the end is that the mother be strict with gentleness.

Sabiha — Yet we must treat our girl — the girl of fourteen — with firmness.

Hanana — And grant her her freedom, so that she feels a great and grave responsibility.

Edvick — And treat her whims with gentleness.

Olga — And strive to have her admire us, not fear us.