Man — By a Woman

1 — Man is the one a woman marries... He has two hands, two legs, two eyes, and sometimes two wives! He has one heart, and sometimes no heart at all!

2 — Men are like Turkish cigarettes: they are all made of one substance, but each kind differs from the other. Some cigarettes are "thick" and some are "thin," and to a woman some men are a "habit" and some a "pleasure"!... And women consider love a kind of smoking.

There is she who, when she smokes a "man," feels her nerves at ease; and there is she who, when she smokes "the man," feels that he wearies her chest!

But woman is weak of will... She decides to give up "loving the man" after a long while has passed, when she begins to feel fatigue, as the smoker feels fatigue in his chest from his long addiction to smoking... And she swears that this "man" shall be the last man she loves... just as the smoker swears that this shall be the last cigarette he smokes... yet despite his oath he goes on smoking!

3 — Men can be divided into three classes: bachelors, husbands, and widowers... The bachelor is the one who wants to marry; the husband is the one who wants to be a widower... and the widower is the one who wants to become a bachelor so as to marry!

And husbands come in kinds: a kind a woman accepts as she accepts a gift; a kind she receives as she receives condolences!; a kind she meets as she meets a surprise; and a kind that descends upon her as a calamity descends! And some women marry men in accidents of fate and destiny... like the collision of a tram or an automobile — and very often the passengers escape... and in accidents of this sort the woman always escapes and walks away on her own two feet!

4 — The art of turning a man into a husband is one of the most delicate and difficult of arts... For man is a piece of dough, and woman's task is to turn it into a statue... This art demands abundant knowledge, a clear mind, ample hope, and great confidence — and more important than all that, it demands tenderness and affection!... And how many a woman has excelled at "making" the statue — and when it spoke, it cursed her! And when it moved, it killed her... or fled from between her hands...

5 — It is one of the wonders of things that a soft, tender, beautiful creature should feel happiness when she kisses a rough, harsh, ugly creature like man! This may be the instinct of the love of opposites! And there is no better proof of it than that the intelligent woman marries none but a stupid man!... And that is why all men accuse their wives of stupidity — so as to make sure that they themselves are intelligent!

6 — If a woman praises a man, he is annoyed with her; and if she does not praise him, he loses all patience with her. If a woman encourages a man to love her, she is frivolous; and if a woman rebuffs a man, she is a slab of ice... If a woman tempts a man into loving her, he tires of her in the end; and if she does not tempt him with her love, he tires of her at the start!

7 — If a woman is reserved, the man grows weary of her and says she is a reactionary; and if she is modern, he grows weary of her and says she is reckless!... If she is intelligent, he says she has no heart; if she has a heart, he says she has no mind; and if she has both heart and mind, she does not catch his eye — because she is not beautiful!

8 — If a woman uses powders and wears bright colors, her husband refuses to accompany her to a public place; and if she puts on a modest dress and no powders on her face, he takes her along to a public place... but he spends the evening with his eyes staring at every woman who has used powders and worn bright colors!

"Akhbar al-Yawm"