Nervous Outbursts in Children: Their Causes and Their Treatment

Every child — like grown-ups — has spells of anger and outburst, varying in intensity according to the child's temperament and the manner of his upbringing. The emotion of anger, if it is directed rightly when there is a sound reason for it — anger for one's dignity, for instance, or refusal to accept aggression — is of practical benefit for the child's future life, and leads the child to learn the ways of sound criticism, of displeasure, and of objection to those things which to keep silent about, and not be angered by, would be a defect in a person's character. And the child who is accustomed to being given a reasonable cause for every thing his parents forbid him trusts entirely in the soundness of her judgment, because he has learned by experience that he hears from her the true and reasonable cause.

What I mean here by the nervous outburst is that sudden, sweeping explosion accompanied by screaming and kicking, or by cursing, striking those around him, hurling the furniture, and so on... These outbursts occur most often as a result of the child's wish not being granted quickly and without stint or condition.

The child who flares up whenever he is angered, and who by way of this outburst obtains his parents' obedience, never wishes to act at the bidding of others.

He flares up, for example, if he is asked to go to bed, or to wash his face, or to eat a certain kind of food he does not care for.

The child may use this nervous outburst to escape a punishment about to fall upon him: he frightens his parents with his outburst, and so does not receive the expected punishment.

The selfish child may flare up if he is asked to share his food or his sweets or his toys with another person, or if his mother caresses another child; and he screams without ceasing until the cause of his displeasure stops.

And a child accustomed to these outbursts may flare up for no evident reason at all. I once heard a mother say to her child: "Look, darling, this is a picture of Uncle So-and-so." Whereupon he screamed, shouting that it was not a picture of Uncle So-and-so, insisting on it and repeating it with all nervousness at his mother, who could do nothing, to quiet him, but say "Very well," it is not a picture of Uncle So-and-so.

A few days later the child saw the same picture, and behold, he turned to his mother quite calmly and said: "Look, Mama, this is a picture of Uncle So-and-so" — mentioning the very name that had set off his fury the first time. This is one example of the outburst with no evident cause.

How do these outbursts arise, and how do they become a habit in the child?

The factors of their origin are various and many, and if we are ignorant of these factors, any attempt to treat them is in vain.

The cause may be bodily, a matter of health, affecting the child's temper, as happens in certain irritating ailments such as itching of the skin, or lack of sleep, or poor feeding, or even tight shoes. All of these expose the child to agitation, outburst, and disobedience. This stubbornness and agitation usually pass with the passing of the cause or the curing of the illness. Or it may become a habit that clings to certain children whenever they are angered or something vexes them...

The most important and most general cause of the beginning and continuance of these outbursts, and of their becoming a habit, is the concern and anxiety of the grown-ups whenever the child shows any anger or annoyance during illness, or fatigue, or jealousy, or sorrow. Thus the child learns by experience how to use these nervous outbursts to rule over his parents.

No sooner does the child discover that his outburst is an effective weapon by which he obtains whatever he wishes, than he begins to use it whenever he feels the need of it. The causes that lead the parents to give in to the child vary according to habit — indeed, it only makes him more explosive and more nervous than before.

Then there are those who resort to pleading, or to trying to make him leave off gently, or with logical, reasonable talk — as when the mother tells her raging child that he is behaving in an unpleasant manner, or that he will make himself ill if he keeps on screaming, or other such mild, reasonable words. But this too is a barren method, for the child in the midst of his outburst and explosion will neither listen to nor understand any logical argument.

The best method is to leave the child to himself until he calms down, without any intervention from the parents. If they cannot bear his screaming, it is better that the room be left to him, to scream in it as he pleases; or, if it is his habit to break things, they should leave him in a room containing no easily broken furniture until he calms down.

And it is very much better that the parents should thereafter ignore that nervous outburst as though it had never happened at all.

For when the child understands that his outburst has left no trace and has been entirely forgotten, the likelihood of its repetition grows weaker, since he understands the barrenness of his attempt — and every attempt here is an attempt to bend others to what he wants. Indifference and ignoring are the best method, and at the same time a harsher punishment for the child than any other.