The Age of Adolescence

A Talk on Childhood

Adolescence ... that stretch of life which swings between childhood and youth. The boy is no longer a helpless child clinging to his mother's skirts, nor yet a mature young man fully grown.

The boy and the girl at this age are a bundle of contradictions. For the adolescent has surging feelings and great hopes. He aspires to become an independent young man, yet he doubts how far his abilities can carry him to what he wants; and so he expresses this struggle between himself and his own soul by adopting every outward mark of youth he knows, to deny the notion that he is a dependent child — and thus he appears to people conceited, excessively attentive to his dress.

There is another kind of adolescent, inclined to solitude and to withdrawing into himself, accompanied in his loneliness by a constant sullenness and a certain vague despair that often carries him to suicide — while his family remains heedless of this negative struggle that has cast him into isolation.

The boy whose growth comes in a single leap — one whose body shoots up four inches in a single year, for instance — is bound to lose something of his energy and the keenness of his mind. Parents ought to be more tolerant and more understanding of the situation, and not heap blame and rebuke upon him every time something escapes him that invites blame and rebuke — falling behind in his lessons, neglecting his duties, feeling no sense of responsibility. When fathers grasp and awaken to the nature of this stage in their children, they will have won half the battle and spared themselves much anxiety, mental turmoil, and fear for their children's future — the fear that it remain threatened by those unbridled impulses which may lead them to ruin and failure.

In the prayers of fathers and mothers to their Lord, this phrase recurs again and again: "Make them grow, O God, and guard their steps! Make them grow, O God, and guard their steps! ..." They repeat it every evening with the murmur of the humble believer, showing thereby the deep love in parents' hearts, the high hopes, and the good intentions with which they envelop their children through the stages of their lives, step by step, until they become young men and young women ... But were it granted us to uncover the buried secrets and the pent-up feelings of obscure origin folded within parents' hearts, we would be seized with astonishment and strong doubt as to the truth of this prayer and how sincerely the parents mean their plea ... For every mother wishes, in the depths of her depths, that her son remain that child devoted to his mama, and that her little girl remain the pampered darling who consults her mother in the most trifling matters. And so with the father. From this hidden desire there arises a sharp struggle in the parents' souls,

between what they themselves wish and what ought to be; and they are distracted from thinking seriously of their children's good and of the abnormal psychological phases that sweep over the child at the age of adolescence — phases that call for a great deal of indulgent care and breadth of patience.

It is entirely natural, at the age of adolescence, for the child to be extremely sensitive, inclined to opposition, contrariness, and disobedience. Let it never occur to parents that meeting their children perpetually with severity and sternness yields satisfying results, or secures them peace of mind and a pleasant life. Nothing so much as negative resistance widens the breach between parents and their children, magnifies small matters, and increases the aversion and misunderstanding that lead inevitably to rebellion.

The age of adolescence is the fitting opportunity for the child to test himself, by himself. And when mistakes occur — as occur they doubtless will — they become the path to learning and profit. Every slip the child commits at this age plants his foot more firmly on the road of personal liberty and independence.

Then there is the respect that the child must carry within his soul for his parents, if these educational theories are ever to issue in reform and good. It must be fixed in the adolescent's understanding, on particular occasions, what "obedience to one's parents" means. In some situations parents are compelled to impose their word and to demand submission to the command; then there can be no retreating, no yielding to the child's will, however much he objects and raises his shouting and displays every color of violence and resistance. Firmness on the parents' part, in such circumstances, is the only solution that can save the situation — lest the reins pass into the child's hands alone, and the parents lose all authority over their children.

What helps us come to an understanding with our children at this period of life is to remember the emotional tremors, the deep feelings, and the suppression we ourselves suffered when we were their age. This softens our attitude toward them and makes us gentle with them rather than harsh, where understanding and mildness serve best ..

And let us always remember that the good effect which a kindly touch and a pure fatherly kiss leave in the adolescent's soul is beyond anything a person can imagine.

So when we sense in our children an inclination toward freedom, toward setting out and soaring on weak wings, let us arm them and strengthen their arms; then let us stand aside and hide from them our feeling and our pain at their slipping out from under our wings; and let us prove that we are smoothing the road for their passage from the stage of childhood to the stage of youth — thus preserving their respect for us, and winning their precious friendship.