What Are Your Child's Psychological Needs?

The child in the home is the cornerstone of happiness — indeed he is the pivot around which family life, in its various aspects, turns. Generally speaking, we give the child his due in food, drink, and clothing; but do the child's needs stop at this point? Does he not also require of us, besides that, special attention to the psychological side of his life, and care for the formation of his personality and for his adjustment to the environment in which he lives and which lives with him?

The whole life of our children is bound up closely with their psychological guidance in the two stages of childhood and adolescence, and their impressions in those two stages have the greatest effect in forming their mentality and building their personality. Those guidances and impressions spring first and foremost from the environment that surrounds the child. And what is that environment if not the one the parents create in the home by their way of life and their conduct, public and private?

A sound family atmosphere is a great guarantee for forming the child's mentality and personality soundly and well; for his psychological being it is like pure air to healthy lungs. Parents who enjoy a tranquil married life, in which love weaves its threads and contentment hovers over its corners, bestow on their children a great blessing — the blessing of a good start on the paths of life; and there is no doubt that these children in their turn will be, in the future, happy and worthy citizens. If we wished to touch on some of the psychological needs of the child and the adolescent, the following points would stand out before us:

First — Every child needs an ample share of love exchanged with his parents

It is among the most sacred rights of the child that the truth of our love for him should not be hidden from him, by every possible means. A child in adolescence may not like his people to kiss or embrace him, but there is no doubt that a deep feeling of happiness steals into him when they pat him on the shoulder or walk with him hand in hand, expressing thereby their strong attachment to him. The few hours you spend with your child leave the finest impression on his soul; do not begrudge them to him, for they are of benefit to each of you. There is also a wide field for confirming love and affirming it in a tangible way: surprising the child from time to time with some gifts that he wants or needs.

The gravest threat to the child's mental well-being, and what leads him to doubt his people's love, are the mistaken methods they may adopt in raising him — scolding, threats, constant punishment, and all such faults of guidance to which those who raise children rarely pay attention.

Alongside this we must point to the greatest mistake parents may commit, namely favoring one child over another — whether between the firstborn and the others, or between the new baby and his brothers and sisters, or between brother and sister. This wrong conduct on the part of parents breeds rancor and hatred in the neglected child, and makes of the favored child an idle, dependent person unfit to face life and its problems.

The child is in direst need of his parents' love and tenderness at the moment when life takes on a gloomy aspect; the hour of psychological distress is the fitting hour at which you must show your child that your love for him remains as it was, without any change or alteration.

Second — The child needs assurance of his place in the home and outside it

The child's feeling that he belongs firmly to the family, and that he forms an inseparable part of it, is a matter of the greatest importance — and you can strengthen this feeling in him by giving him things you make his own property, which he has the right to keep in places reserved for him alone.

The child in adolescence profits greatly from sharing with his people in laying plans and programs for the various matters that concern the course of the family's life, for this makes him feel that he is a useful member in the body of the family, and it also teaches him self-reliance and confidence in his ability to think and to make decisions. As for the child's relations with those outside his home, and especially his playmates and relatives, he is most anxious that his place in their circles should be secure. Parents can follow many ways of enabling their child to reach this goal of his: among them, welcoming his friends when they visit him at home, encouraging him to join scouting and athletic organizations, and providing the place and the equipment necessary for his play and amusement. It is also essential

not to interfere with the reasonable plans he draws up for himself, and to meet whatever rash behavior may come from him with patience and wisdom.

Third — Parents must do all in their power to keep causes of fear and disturbance from seeping through to their children

The material and moral troubles to which parents may be exposed are among the matters from which the children must be kept safely apart, for they breed in them a feeling of insecurity that may cling to them all their lives.

Among the other causes that breed this feeling in them are the parents' making light of their dignity, or rebuking them in public, or mocking them, or branding them with fear and cowardice.

Parents must take the side of wisdom and deliberation in the matter of their children's slow progress. They should not lose patience, for instance, at the inability of their child of six or seven to read, or at the unwillingness of their five-year-old to learn to swim; for these are things acquired gradually, and coercion and pressure concerning them may produce contrary results that have the worst effect on the child's mind.

What threatens the child most is his fear of the breaking of the family bond, which is his safe refuge and his fortified stronghold. Studies of juvenile delinquency have proved that the first source of this painful social plague goes back to the disintegration of the family through divorce, or through the illness or death of one or both parents.

Fourth — Self-confidence is a first necessity for children

The inferiority complex is among the psychological plagues most dangerous to children, for it hinders their progress in the various walks of their life. To combat this danger, parents must develop self-confidence in their children by encouraging them on every occasion, praising their good points from time to time, and drawing the attention of the rest of the family to whatever good or useful deeds they may perform.

There is no doubt that parents can spare their children failure in many matters if they explain these to them sufficiently; and it may be right, more often than not, to leave the way open before them for experiment. If failure in some of those experiments cannot be avoided, then let the failure be a lesson to profit by, and let the child grow used to accepting it with a good heart and a cheerful spirit. And there is no doubt that parents must set the good example in this field, and in every other side of life that calls now for patience and endurance, now for firmness and strength, or for tact and courtesy.

Fifth — The child must be left room to form a strong, independent personality

The formation of the child's personality begins with the way in which he arranges his toys, or builds sand houses on the beach or in the garden.

Parents may sometimes be inclined to direct him in this field, but it is better for him and for them to leave him alone and give him room to form his own personality by those simple, natural means.

The older the child grows, the stronger becomes his need to take over responsibility for managing his own affairs. Parents may not appreciate the value that certain things have for him — such as going to school and coming back by himself, and choosing his own friends and companions. But these matters, which seem trivial to parents, have their great importance, for it is they that prepare the child to bear wider and weightier responsibilities in the future. No doubt he will commit some mistakes; but the danger of these mistakes is slight, while the hopes that go with them are great and beautiful, so long as his parents surround him with their affection, their love, and their care.