Training and Authority in Raising Children

Deep in their philosophy, right in their remedy — such are the modern methods in education which hold that the benefits of training and guiding the child surpass the benefits of imposing parental authority upon him. As regards the problem of children's questions, and of what parents ask of them, these methods have made it a duty upon parents to state the reasons for what they ask of their children, taking into account their age, what pleases them, and how much logic they can understand. And since parents sometimes notice that their children's questions are asked not to draw conclusions but to attract their attention, it is for them, by virtue of their experience, to answer as the situation requires.

In order to help the child succeed in some task, so that he may feel his own capability and strengthen his personality — becoming thereby more pliant of temper and more receptive to his parents' advice — we must not multiply our demands on him, for he cannot meet them all, and in consequence he feels his weakness. It is a mistake to ask something of him merely on the ground that someone else can in fact do it: the theory of matching one child against another is unscientific, because it neglects a fundamental factor, namely the child's individuality.

The firmest foundations for training children in all manner of things are those built upon the relation of friendship and love between parents and children. Love is for the child a necessary spiritual nourishment — though this does not mean granting him absolute freedom to do as he may and as he may not.

Knowing the causes — in their light all the problems of upbringing are solved. Hence the specialists warn parents against punishing a child for an offense before knowing its cause. Many parents want their child to go to sleep at a fixed time, and if he does not, they "get all worked up" and think of a punishment to fit his crime. Is not treating the cause of this problem better than treating the problem itself directly? What do educators think, for example, of giving the child notice that he must lie down half an hour before his bedtime, instead of setting him before the accomplished fact and quarreling with him — which inflames his nerves and increases his hatred of sleep? Is there any harm if the child's bedtime slips by in exceptional cases? To this, science answers no.

Be tolerant, you who bring up children; for it has been said, "Everything forbidden is desired."