Childhood Fears

There is no inner emotion to which the child is more frequently exposed than fear; and yet few of us take the necessary care to search for its causes and to do away with it before it takes root in the depths of the child and accompanies him throughout his life.

Fear is one of the forces that work either to build or to destroy in the formation of personality and its growth, according to the direction the child receives in his first years, when his imagination collides with these obstacles and he falls, as a result, prey to various fears.

If we speak of childhood fears as varieties of folly or of deficient understanding, that is because we grown-ups are incapable of grasping certain experiences of early childhood which leave in the mind traces that govern our conduct and our general attitude toward life, even long after the experience itself has passed from memory. Victor Hugo said in his book "Memories of Childhood": if a thing is said once, it settles in the mind; but that which shocks the mind tends to return again and again; and thus there live in the breast of naïve childhood many locked-away matters that defy statement and explanation.

I have said that most childhood fears arise from the kinds of experience the child meets as he sets out upon life. And although most parents have come to give up arousing fear in their children as a form of threat and punishment, or as a method of implanting good behavior, few of them give the fears their children display the care and attention they require.

Fear of the dark is common in the life of most little ones at some time; yet this is not an instinctive matter, for darkness in reality does not inspire fear; what truly arouses it are the things his imagination weaves, as a result of the frightening tales children listen to in still places wrapped in mystery. The child is quick to link darkness with disasters and afflictions; and when night comes and the child is in his bed, his imagination strays and his mind bolts, and solitude and darkness carry him back to those frightening tales, and his heart quakes and he is afraid.

If parents will remember that darkness in reality does not frighten children, but that what frightens them is what issues from their imaginations, which they cannot control—if parents remember that, they must be more tolerant toward this experience in the little ones. Fear must be done away with at the earliest possible opportunity, by the parents affirming, as far as they can, how far the child's illusions are from the truth, and by revealing to him the idleness of his suppositions and the trickery of his fancy. But if the fear is left for days and weeks in the parents' hope that the child will forget it, it will most likely settle in the little one's mind and color many of his attitudes in life thereafter.

The best means of treating fear in children is to encourage them to talk about it as they please, for the more they talk about it, the more familiar and the less strange that experience appears to them. And how mistaken one is when he advises the child to forget the matter, saying to him: "Don't talk about it!" or "Think of something else." It is well, too, for grown-ups to refrain from mocking the little one when he is afraid, or from saying that he is very stupid and cowardly.

All that the wise mother can do is to shield the child—as far as she can—from the experiences that stir fear in his soul. But if they do occur, the mother must then try to do away with those fears at the earliest moment; and that is possible only if the child feels that his troubles will meet with sympathy and true appreciation—which means that his confidence must be complete in his family's understanding of the problems that beset him. For this reason we must never make light of, or criticize, or mock the fears of childhood, for they demand of us attention, sympathy, and sound appreciation.

When Your Child Asks About Money

It may be when the child reaches his fourth year, and it may be delayed until the eighth; but sooner or later he is bound to put his question to you: "Are we rich or poor?"

Rarely is it the mother who begins the discussion of this fundamental matter with her child; but once the discussion has begun, you must use frankness and simplicity in your answers. This explanation is no more than a first step, while it is training in the handling of money that brings the result desired in practice. You must therefore give your child "pocket money," and the most suitable period is school time; and this allowance loses its value entirely if it does not rest on the foundations of building the child's personality and his self-reliance, through spending his money on the necessary requirements of his daily life. It is natural for a child of seven to spend his allowance on biscuits and sweets, but he must save a part of his money for the end of the week. And when his allowance grows larger, he must set aside a part of it to buy clothes or school supplies, and put by what will cover the cost of outings with his friends.

How you should increase the pocket money, and guide your child in spending it, depends on the household's own income; and the importance of this dwindles beside the benefit from the moral side, and the well-knit lesson the child learns. But you must see to it that your child's allowance does not differ from that of his companions, lest a conviction grow in his soul that causes him misery and a shrinking into himself.

Do not try to hide the facts from your child. If he asks the price of a suit that costs sixty liras, do not claim that you bought it for ten liras, in order to screen from his understanding the extent of your wealth; likewise, do not exaggerate the price of the bicycle you gave him, in order to display your affection and generosity! How, then, are you to answer his question: "Are we rich or poor, Mama?" Do not put him off by saying: "That is a complicated question; I will discuss it with you when you grow up." Rather, try to draw him a general picture of how income and expenditure work in the household, so that if he understands that your weekly income is seventy-five liras, he will know how to handle his pocket money with firmness and good management—and this will help him in his days to come.