The Stubbornness of Children

"If, madam, you complain of your child's stubbornness and lack an effective remedy, here is what the well-known educator Mrs. Hoffman says on the subject; perhaps in it lies what you seek."

In an atmosphere of understanding and love, Amin and his wife Evelyn lived, braving life's difficulties thanks to their cooperation. They were the object of admiration and esteem of everyone who knew in them their capacity for solving their social and other problems. But people's opinion of them began to change on account of the shortcoming they showed in disciplining their children. Wadia is not yet past five, Farid is three and a half, and Leeb is two.

It is regrettable that all the lessons Mrs. Evelyn had received in the field of child-rearing bore no fruit once applied in practice to her own children. She often felt she went too far with her continual punishing of her children; the annoyance was mutual—they annoyed her with their noise and their unseemly behavior, and she annoyed them with her threats and warnings. As for the children, they grew up with selfishness clinging to them: you would see them quarreling over a "toy" they were amusing themselves with, each wanting to monopolize it the whole time, and their last resort was their mother, who ruled on their complaints—and as the common proverb has it, "the children's judge did away with himself." This lady was torn between two different ideas:

1 - to discipline her children in an ideal fashion;

2 - to give them freedom enough to develop their personalities, for fear an inferiority complex and a sense of failure should take hold of them.

Because of this contradiction Mrs. Evelyn was compelled to consult one of the experts in child-rearing, in the hope that she might shed upon her a gleam of light by which to proceed in solving her problem. The expert chosen for this purpose was Mrs. Hoffman, who visited the family to study at close range the character and behavior of each member separately, as a first step toward solving the problem entrusted to her. The hour just then was eight-thirty on Easter morning, when everyone was in the bedrooms and Easter eggs and baskets and toys, etc., lay scattered over the floor. As for Farid, the first thing Mrs. Hoffman learned about him was his cooperative spirit, for he set about gathering the eggs off the floor and put them in the icebox of his own accord. But he and his brother Leeb would not come near the expert—unlike his sister Wadia, who chatted with her and answered her questions with a boldness beyond description. The general idea Mrs. Hoffman formed from watching the children for a short while was that they are stamped with the stamp

of merriment and "lightness of spirit," which makes them lovable children.

Now "breakfast" had come, but not one of the children appeared to eat it, the reason being that they had lost their appetite from eating so many Easter eggs.

After the breakfast meal, Wadia accompanied her parents and the expert guest to church, and how greatly her good behavior stirred the admiration of her companions! But she displayed her stubbornness in its plainest form afterward, upon their return from church after performing their devotions: she wanted to buy some sweets from the vendors, and her mother forbade it. Perhaps the child was ashamed to give free rein, on the public road, to the rancor and resentment harbored in the depths of her soul, so she put it off until home, where she took to screaming and wailing, and to devouring the sweets that were in the house; and when her mother stopped her from overindulging in them, she went on strike against food in protest at this defiance—as she claimed—and stayed in her room displaying her displeasure. Here her mother showed concern for her and wanted to placate her, but Mrs. Hoffman advised her to pay her no attention, since all the behavior she had displayed was for nothing but attracting notice. Mrs. Hoffman's advice proved the effective medicine for Wadia's unseemly conduct, for she came back of her own accord to join the family at the midday meal.

When lunch was over, Wadia went back to asking about the basket of eggs, which had been placed somewhere hidden from her eyes and the eyes of her small brothers. So she took to hurling everything her hands could reach onto the floor. To divert her thoughts, Mrs. Hoffman asked her, with all tact, whether she would like to learn to read and write short passages. Wadia showed a strong readiness to learn. But only a few minutes of the lesson had passed before she grew restless and went back to asking about the Easter eggs,

which her mother gave her to understand she had no hope of obtaining. She met this refusal by throwing herself on the floor, weeping and clamoring; and, with the familiar naiveté of childhood, she threatened her mother with soiling her dress, so as to cause her the trouble of changing it for her. So Mrs. Hoffman proposed to her mother that she be shut in her room for half an hour.

And here, madam, we interrupt the telling of the story of Wadia's stubbornness, so that Mrs. Hoffman may give you some general advice, on the assumption that you doubtless need it in raising your own children:

1 - A child repeats an act for which he has been rewarded.

2 - Not rewarding a child for a given behavior tends to extinguish that behavior.

3 - The child's freedom must be defined, and he must be encouraged to keep within it.

4 - The most important reward a child can be given, besides food and toys, is to give him special attention and to open the way for him to act big parts in playlets and games.

In Mrs. Hoffman's opinion, the ideal way to punish a child is to shut him in an isolated place where he does not feel his parents' love and has no means of attracting the attention of others. She continues her advice by urging you, madam, not to resort to slapping the child, and here she gives you conclusive arguments setting forth her theory, in the hope of convincing you:

1 - When a child is slapped, he receives a fuller share of pain than he is supposed to receive as punishment.

2 - When a child is slapped, he utters violent words at his punisher, the like of which he would be ashamed to utter in his normal state.

3 - When a mother's anger mounts, she threatens the child with a punishment she does not carry out once she has calmed down from her fury.

4 - As a result of the reaction the child shows because of his bodily pain, his punishment is doubled.

5 - However great the hardness in a mother's heart, a breath of motherhood is bound to blow upon her, and she regrets her injustice to her child and finds herself obliged to submit to his will thereafter, to atone for what has passed.

And now, madam, let us resume our talk of Wadia. At Mrs. Hoffman's request, Mrs. Evelyn shut her daughter in her room against her will. No member of the family was permitted to intercede for her until her fuss should stop; and when she had accepted her punishment, she was allowed to come out. Mrs. Hoffman then took her by the hand and read her a little story, everyone marveling at Wadia's good behavior.

Suppertime came, and Wadia set about changing her dress; and when Mrs. Hoffman suggested she put on the suitable dress, she refused it. The expert answered her, with all tact, that her grandmother would love to see her in a dress she had given her—and this stratagem met with Wadia's approval.

With stratagems such as these, parents can win their child's compliance. Would that they resorted to deliberation instead of to folly and to fraying their nerves, which profits them nothing.