Woman... Why Doesn't Man Understand Her?

One lady confessed that she had never given the question any serious attention, but she came back to it when pressed, and said: "The truth is that we are different from men, I think. My husband is baffled by my behavior at certain times. He cannot understand, for example, why I spend a whole day buying a hat or a coat, only to return it to the store the next day; but I know why — I changed my mind. Is there anything in that to arouse astonishment and wonder?"

And a young wife said that her husband accused her of being unable to run the house, saying: "If I dealt with the employees in my office the way you do, I would now be facing a crushing deficit." But the woman considered this an injustice to her: if he gave her an adequate allowance so that she could take on helpers in her housework — sparing her hours on end of walking to buy what she needs — she would do what pleased him. Another said that a man could understand woman if he gave the matter a little thought, or even tried! He covets her before marriage and longs to be joined to her as a person of the other kind, and after marriage he empties his attention into thinking of the delicious dishes she can cook for him — of which it has been said: "a man's heart is in his stomach." Men are by nature selfish and materialistic; their thinking is so narrow that they believe themselves forever at the head of life's procession, while woman comes last. The dominant man, like a king, cannot trouble himself to attend to woman's problems. And what are these problems?

Woman's world is narrow and confined: it does not go beyond the home and the children — or her work, if she is one of the working women; then the relatives and friends, and the duties and social obligations that life imposes on her. These, in essence, are all that occupy woman's thoughts, though there may be women who enjoy sports, excursions, parties, and the like — places where she is in a man's company; she will not go, for instance, to visit an official place unless her husband accompanies her — otherwise, what would people say?

Thus we see that every woman needs a man who is hers alone, on whom she can rely in her affairs and depend in her concerns, to whom she can entrust her protection and her guidance, and then the securing of her future. Without his company she feels a lack and an emptiness, as if the world stretched out before her in perpetual strife, never coming to rest.

The man, for his part, directs her in her work, makes certain requests and watches for their fulfillment, and expects her to attend to his needs.

Is woman that riddle which man believes himself powerless to solve? This inquiry denies it, and explains one side of woman's conduct.

"What do you expect of her? She is a woman." That is what you hear them say, in earnest and in jest, resting this conclusion of theirs on the notion that woman is a complicated riddle, a creature whose understanding has defied the ages. It is not my purpose to oppose or contradict the established truth; but it is an exaggerated truth, despite the complexity of woman's psychology — which appears, if we consider it closely, a distinct pattern of thought and movement, for complexity is a plain feature in the makeup of her personality. And what is woman's idea of man?

On the other side, man feels woman's need of him — not a bodily need only, but an emotional yearning that stirs in woman's breast, for she wishes to be loved and pampered. Hence many men fall into deadly doubt, suspecting the fidelity of their wives and believing that woman is trying to catch them in her snares. But whatever truth there may be in their belief, woman is far from deceit, for she is the storehouse of the acknowledged virtues: sacrifice, strength of will, and readiness to suffer for the sake of the one she loves; then spiritual exaltation, faithfulness, hope, courage, and self-denial in calamity and sickness. These qualities, and many like them that human society needs, are native to the breast of every female. But woman is a musical instrument that delights only the one who plays it well: no one brings these ideal qualities out into existence save the man who gives her his heart, while she rests content in his love and devotion.

All that woman asks of life is to love and be loved. If she does not fall in love with a man, she turns her emotional attention in another direction: she may love her relatives, or give herself entirely to social work. And to feel happy she must feel that the man not only wants her but needs her — this makes her feel the importance of her existence and the worth of her being. How many women marry and wear themselves out with hard work so that the husband may be at ease and spared heavy expenses — but how many men appreciate these sacrifices?

The changes that occur in a woman's life do not confront the man. He leaves his school days for the work he aspires to; and if he marries, he does not change the course of his life — his chosen wife accompanies him. But the woman gives up many things at this stage: she casts off even

her name to be with him, and struggles in the battle of life at his side and for his sake. Yet he does not grasp woman's many-sided nature, nor her capacity to adapt herself to everything new. He follows the logic he understands, because he has no wish to become acquainted with a new kind; so he keeps his guard up against her and turns his attention away from the intellectual and emotional changes she is passing through.

One husband once declared: "Ah, if only I could depend on my wife. We had been discussing a sea voyage together; we reckoned the expenses and then fixed the date of departure. But she changed her mind the next day and said simply: I don't want to go — who will feed the cat for two weeks? We won't put the dog in the kennel, for I don't trust them to give him his feedings on time, and the poor animal might get sick and die. In the end, after much back and forth, we stayed home and I spent the vacation building a garage."

And woman opposes her husband in all sorts of situations. A man may invite a friend of his to his house to introduce him to his wife, after composing a splendid preamble on that colleague's honesty, and asking her to give her opinion of him as well. The honored guest arrives, takes his lunch, praises the cooking of the mistress of the house, and everything passes quietly — but after he leaves, she opens on her husband with: "I don't trust that man at all; he is after you to strip you of your money." Her husband tries to soften her sharpness, reminding her how she received him and how much courtesy she showed in front of him — could all that have been pretense? She replies that lack of observation is proverbial in men; voices rise, and the couple quarrels. He asks her to support her statements with proofs, and she affirms that her intuition inspires what she says, so there is no need of proof so long as she believes her words are true. This, perhaps, is the way of most women: they support their statements with no proof at all, relying on an inner feeling — and this creates a puzzle for the psychologists, who are unable to explain it.

Among the psychological changes that come over woman is that upheaval which accompanies the monthly period: she appears loving, then agitated; she grows vexed and complains, and soon turns critical of every movement around her, and at last returns to her natural disposition. There are individual women to whom this does not apply, but such is the prevailing notion; and when it does happen, the man stands helpless and bewildered, when duty calls on him to understand the situation and treat it. Then there is the change that comes over woman when she reaches the "age of despair" — that is, her middle years: at this stage she stands in need of mercy more than of criticism, being in the greatest need of man's understanding and tenderness, for her state of mind is unsettled.

Knowledge begets understanding — and woman is not the graven image some imagine her to be!...

From the magazine "Your Life"