Nights of Sin

My heart tonight is in tumult.
All the sins are dancing and reveling within it...
How I need dawns of pearl and mornings like flawless crystal.
How I need skies of silver and suns of gold!..
How I need purifying waters, and proud white lilies like the phantoms of righteous angels!

Sin is in my heart, evil in my thought, crime in my hand; and dreadful, guilty debauchery opens its fresh young arms and calls to me, to set the fire of every pleasure and delight blazing in my blood!

Here is evil roaring around me like the sea, seething and flaring, as though a raging wind out of hell had suddenly stormed upon it.

And here is wine — wine the wonder-worker — flashing before me like hope, shining like consolation, laughing like forgetfulness, streaming like a flood!

And here is the troop of women — wanton, naked women — laughing aloud in their joy, drinking in their greed, dancing in their madness, as though from sheer frenzy and rapture something like a whirlwind had taken hold of them!..

And I... I look for myself and cannot find it; I search for my reason and it flees from me; I cry out, calling upon my will, and nothing answers me but roaring.. the roar of beast calling to beast, joined with a clanging peal!

How I need a spring breeze to flutter over me and bear me up like a wing!..

How I need a resounding cry of goodness, crashing in my ears like thunder and sweeping me along like the storm!

How I need purifying waters, and proud white lilies like the phantoms of righteous angels!

The poet, murmuring: As for art, I loved it with passion; but instead of saving my mind and my body, it left my body a spoil parceled out to the tyranny of my instincts. As for the virgin, I knew her; but scarcely had she become a woman when she turned and changed color and deceived me. And as for You, O God — I forgot You! I forgot You, while from all eternity You were at my side!.. Then shine forth in the fog of my soul and save me!.. Break forth from the darkness of my childhood and take me!.. Strike for me upon the lyre of perfection the melody of eternity and set me free! You alone can never betray, can never deceive, can never pass away!...

Here I am, slipping free of the filth of my heart, and following You... Wait for me!.. I have known You!.. I have glimpsed You!. I have touched with my sinful hand the hem of Your garment, O God — and that I have felt!...