The Mother-in-Law Is Not the Cause of Quarrels in the Home... But...!

How many tales they have woven around this problem, until the mother-in-law has become the "bogeyman" that frightens every girl approaching marriage! But if the girl knew the true source of her vexation and misery, she would give up that notion, which has seeped down to her by inheritance from one age to the next, accepted without reflection or breadth of knowledge!

The destructive agent of a girl's happiness, the exhauster of her strength, is that stubborn contemporary who neither understands nor desists, pursuing her enmity and rancor — built on foundations of envy and jealousy — to trouble the poor girl's peace of mind and the bed of her happiness. And who acknowledges her doing or her conduct?? The blame always falls on the mother-in-law, around whom are fabricated tales and jokes that come closer to fantasy than to reality.

No one denies that the mother-in-law's daughter, or the brother's wife, is in many cases dear and beloved by all, close to every member of the family: she buries jealousy, denies self, and feels with those around her with the loftiest of sentiments — how could such a one be a bitter foe?... On the contrary, she is a consolation in hardship and a reliever of distress in straits; she rejoices at your joy and grieves at your sorrows; she is a refuge to lean upon, at whose feet you lay down your care and your weariness. The girl blessed with this friend, this sister, is counted the happiest of creatures.

The bond that ties you to your mother-in-law's daughter is frail and shaky, and only because the two of you belong to one and the same age. So let us face this real problem together, and work together to solve it:

You are bound to your sister by the tie of blood, and there is no room to complain of a friend you chose for yourself; but how can you blend or harmonize with an element foreign to you in spirit and in body?...

Tongues pass around varied tales about

the mother-in-law, and this causes dread in the soul of the girl approaching marriage. But the mother-in-law of this age is a tender mother to her daughter-in-law, contrary to what she stands accused of. She has passed through a considerable stretch of life and reached a period of contentment: jealousy has died within her, and the touch of youth has faded from her face; she does not struggle to cut herself a new path with an original costume or an attractive adornment. Add to this the native experience she has acquired as a psychological immunity with which she meets those trifling daily matters with patience and calm. The mother-in-law may indeed be a bitter foe from some other quarter, but she will never be that rival over the displays of femininity.

Often the mother-in-law's daughter takes on various faces with which she confronts you, to subdue and vex you. She visits you in the early morning not merely to sip a cup of coffee with you but to deliver you a lesson in the various arts, and she moves through the corners of your house to see whether you have bought a new lamp, or a piece of furniture, or an art picture, without her guidance. For she, as she supposes, has a right over you, and you have toward her a duty to be kept with the utmost exactness you can muster; and if she could keep watch over your words and your thoughts, she would. She justifies this right by the tie of kinship between you, and so meddles in matters that neither your sister nor your friend would trouble about.

As for the brother's wife — and she is no less a danger than the mother-in-law's daughter — she reminds you, in front of a strange visitor, of the naive or silly things you did in your girlhood, which your brother passed on to her in his moments of surrender to reminiscence: he told her, for instance, how you once boarded the train and arrived at a station other than the one you were bound for, because you took the direction opposite to the right way; or she recounts, within hearing of the company, the story of that aging gallant who was once smitten with you — and other such empty talk that makes others laugh and fills your breast with hatred, until you wish you were able to slap her to slake your fury! And it is regrettable that the brother's wife should feel, say, her material or intellectual superiority over the mother-in-law's daughter, boasting and glorying if she helps her with the gift of some clothing for her children, or supports her in indispensable necessities, displaying toward her a haughtiness whose manner demolishes the other's very being,

who then remains silent, bandaging her wounded pride, because poverty and want, and her tongue's inability to make her husband grasp the true state of things, keep her from protest and objection. And the husband will not pause even a moment to study the situation with more than a superficial glance that cannot take in the decisive position; rather, he accepts the assistance that spares his pocket, with thanks and appreciation.

When a mother dies, leaving married sons and daughters, a dispute is bound to break out between the brother's wife and the girl who comes forward to inherit the jewels and precious effects she is entitled to take after her mother. This envy breeds aversion and quarreling and lands the husband in a cruel predicament; and often the wife's influence over her husband's soul is strong, so that she launches him into a blind war whose flames devour the sister!

And here I lay before you some opinions from differing sources, in which each lady sets out the reality of her family: "I am in complete accord with my brother's wife: there is nothing in common between us, and we meet only at formal parties, weddings, and funerals."

"My husband has five sisters who cannot bear my presence among them, just as I hate the ground they walk on."

"I love my husband's sister very much, but she vexes me at times with her criticisms of the way I bring up my children."

"My brother's wife has been my friend since school days; she is a charming girl, a true sister, and an intimate friend, and I would not take the whole world in exchange for her."

"My husband has three sisters older than he, and they have undermined his character with pampering and coddling until he has come to vex me with his selfishness."

These varied opinions show truly that the mother-in-law's daughter is either an accursed devil or a merciful angel: either she brings the house down upon the heads of its dwellers, through the discord and misunderstanding born of her selfishness and folly, or she is a healing balm for the family's wounds, wiping away their pains with her gentleness, her tenderness, and her goodness of heart. We must also not expect the man to study these problems, trifling as they are in his eyes; and I advise you to give up trying to convince your husband or your brother by explaining the causes from which the quarrel arose. Never run to your brother complaining of his wife's conduct, for he will fail you: he will not forsake the companion of his fortune and misfortune to please you in any case. But if you become certain that your mother-in-law's daughter can never be a sister or a friend to you, then smile at her and hold your nerves and your tongue; and you must also train yourself in patience and hard trial, striving to win the weightier scale of friendship with your mother-in-law's daughter or your brother's wife — for you may be living with her all your life.

Translated from the "Ladies' Home Journal"